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Anyone who’s ever been close to an unfortunately placed mirror in a steamy moment will know that sex rarely looks good. But you would think Hollywood might be able to work its magic and make it look sensational. Actors are hot. Smooth editing should mean no awkward position reshuffles. Cinematographers make lighting soft and flattering.
But sadly, that’s not always the case. The script can always still let you down (think of J-Lo saying “Gobble gobble” as she seduces Ben Affleck in Gigli), and so can the props –why can’t we unsee Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes getting all twisted up in silk ropes for Killing Me Softly?
There have been many, many more offenders through the years, with audiences suffering through everything from cliched dialogue to ecstatic yelps of pleasure. So here’s a ranking of the sex scenes that will make you want to leave the room, and not just because your parents are sitting next to you on the sofa.
20. Eternals (2021)
This film was supposed to be Marvel’s first big step into meditative arthouse cinema, with Oscar-winner Chloé Zhao at the helm. Instead, viewers were put through three hours of confounding backstories about obscure characters – and didn’t get a huge amount of action. To top it off, it featured the MCU’s first-ever sex scene, which could/should have been a momentous moment but instead amounted to not much more than a clumsy fumble around in the dark between Richard Madden and Gemma Chan, showing that their superpowers did not assist them in the bedroom. Greg Evans
19. Killing Me Softly (2002)
There are few things less titillating than Graham and Fiennes getting tangled in a selection of silk ropes. All made more excruciating by Graham’s whispered voiceover: “I gave up all control, I loved it.” Fifty Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Ellie Harrison
18. Body of Evidence (1993)
One of the most infamous sex scenes of all time is Madonna and Willem Dafoe’s experimentation with hot wax in Body of Evidence. “My way,” murmurs the Queen of Pop, straddling Dafoe and pouring molten wax and champagne over his body before proceeding to lick it up. It’s not a Mary Berry recipe, we can tell you that much. EH
17. Avatar (2009)
A couple of towering blue humanoids having sex doesn’t exactly scream erotica – and James Cameron’s attempts to mix it up further by having a strange dreadlock-interlocking display certainly didn’t help. EH
16. If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000)
If these walls could talk they would say please stop having sex to Dido. They would also have something to say about the endless gooey shots of hands drifting over skin, pulling at hair and disappearing under sheets. It’s so soppy, I’m surprised Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone don’t drip off the bed and onto the floor. Annie Lord
15. The Room (2003)
The Room is widely known as one of the worst films ever made – and its sex scene between Tommy Wiseau and Juliette Danielle is a big, unignorable contributing factor. Why does he appear to be thrusting directly into her belly button? Why? EH
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14. Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
This much-maligned sequel begins with Stan Collymore and Stone speeding at 100mph through Canary Wharf. The two moan and giggle as she fumbles around for his gearstick, that is until they crash the car and he dies. Not quite the happy ending he was hoping for. AL
13. Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
There are lots of shades of bad in the sex scenes of this S&M franchise. But the worst has to be when Christian ties her up, blindfolds her with his shirt and then runs down an ice cube all over her body. What misguided women’s magazine did he get this advice from? AL
12. Miller’s Girl (2024)
Age-gap controversy aside (Martin Freeman portrayed a 49-year-old and Jenna Ortega an 18-year-old), there were plenty of other reasons why the sex scene in this movie was all off. Ortega plays precocious book-lover Cairo Sweet who spends her days reading old-school smut by Henry Miller. When the inevitable intimate scene approaches, her teacher, played by Freeman, asks her to read the book to him while they have sex. Painfully cringey. Maira Butt
11. Bad Teacher (2011)
It’s tough to name the thing that’s most wrong with the dry-humping scene in Bad Teacher. Is it the grunting? The chafing of denim? Justin Timberlake’s gyrating hips? Justin Timberlake’s face on climax? Justin Timberlake’s wet jeans? Please just make it stop. If not for Cameron Diaz then for all of us. EH
10. Showgirls (1995)
A lot of things aren’t really OK about Showgirls, but the filmmakers really outdid themselves with Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan’s special splish splash in the pool. The combination of thrashing, bubbling water, fountain fondling and ecstatic yelping is the stuff of nightmares. EH
9. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Bradley Cooper and Michael Ian Black’s sex faces are so over-exaggerated that they look like emojis. It’s difficult to understand how the campers are reaching these heights of pleasure given that there’s about a foot of air between their crotches. More lukewarm American summer than hot and wet. AL
8. Damage (1992)
You shouldn’t have sex with your son’s fiance. But you definitely shouldn’t if you end up making it look this bad. Jeremy Irons pounces on Juliette Binoche like a hulking bear before pulling her along the carpet (think of the burns). No wonder she said she didn’t enjoy having his dangly bits touching her. AL
7. Watchmen (2009)
Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” is a great song, but it’s certainly not sexy. Watchmen’s widely ridiculed sex scene sees Malin Akerman unzipping a latex chest piece to the lyrics: “Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord”. Unfortunately, no one will be pleased by this display. AL
6. What Women Want (2000)
What a lot of women don’t want is a sex scene with Mel Gibson. What women want even less is to watch a scene with so many cliches: a man talking to his penis in the bathroom. A light that turns on when you clap. A woman that wails so loud you can’t tell if she’s been run over by a truck or is mid-orgasm. AL
5. Saltburn (2023)
Saltburn had already created a shocking moment with that bathtub scene. But it was when it went the extra mile, and had Barry Keoghan’s Oliver humping the grave of his friend Felix (Jacob Elordi), that it lost its creative way. The scene was so cringey and OTT, and just felt like a cheap way to make us clutch our pearls. MB
4. Maps to the Stars (2014)
Julianne Moore literally asks Robert Pattinson: “Do you want to f*** my holes?” And, dear reader, it turns out that he does want to. He wants to very much. So they have very stressful-looking sex in a car on the side of the road. And then somehow it gets even worse – she disembarks from the vehicle and wipes his semen off her leg with a scarf. EH
3. Gone Girl (2014)
This is horribly bad, but not because it’s a bad scene. More because you have to watch Rosamund Pike’s crazed killer slit the throat of a guy while they’re still getting it on. And then you have to watch the blood from his throat soak her red. And then you have to watch her continue to gyrate for another couple of seconds before she calls it a day. AL
2. Howard the Duck (1986)
Cross-species coitus is, admittedly, a tricky concept to make sexy – something the traumatised viewers of Howard the Duck discovered when Lea Thompson canoodled with her “so incredibly soft and cuddly” feathered friend. Help! EH
1. Gigli (2003)
Name a more iconic movie line than “It’s turkey time! Gobble, gobble” – we’ll wait. They are the bonkers words uttered by Jennifer Lopez’s Gigli character, a lesbian assassin who apparently finds herself unable to resist the masculine allure of… wait for it… Ben Affleck. The line is an invitation for oral sex and, well, you’ll have to watch the film to find out if he accepts. EH
