Relationships are rarely straightforward, and many of the potential problems you might run into with someone aren’t obvious until the two of you actually get together.
Reddit user Extension_Accountant thought he knew this. The man was aware of how tricky his girlfriend’s ex could’ve made their life, and he still moved in with the woman and her daughter. He even took care of their housing, schooling, and other expenses.
However, the more time the girl spent with her biological dad, the messier things got, and when he started feeling like an ATM, the man turned to the internet to get some perspective. Here’s what he wrote.
This man wanted to be a father figure for his girlfriend’s daughter since her biological dad wasn’t really in the picture
Image credits: Zinkevych_D / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
But the girl wasn’t treating him like part of the family
And when she got into trouble, he realized their relationship was getting worse
Image credits: scaliger99 / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Now, he refuses to give her money, and tensions have skyrocketed
Image credits: dusanpetkovic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Extension_Accountant
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Even though most parents have to address defiance at some point during their child’s life, many are not confident in doing so
It’s important to understand that there is a spectrum of defiant behavior — from frustrating behaviors to risk-taking ones. Heather Bernstein, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says that these behaviors tend to occur around curfews, homework time, or when screen time is limited.
Parents often lose confidence in their parenting styles when children become teenagers because suddenly what used to work no longer does. And when parents are frustrated by a defiant kid, they sometimes rely too heavily on punishments and even shame.
Dr. Bernstein acknowledges that it’s hard to respond to defiance without being emotional yourself. Especially when it about something bigger, like breaking the law. Parents may inflict harsh punishment when they see the behavior as an affront. “A parent may think this is an attack against them,” she explains, “and then they respond from a place of retaliation for their hurt.”
But that doesn’t lead to long-term progress.
“If the interactions between the kid and their parents are largely negative, that makes it more likely that kids are going to be noncompliant and engaged in defiance. Because they’re not motivated by the relationship.” Instead of focusing too heavily on punishing bad behaviors, she recommends that parents use positive practices as often as possible.
Good behavior can be motivated by rewards, Dr. Bernstein notes, such as providing more freedom to go out with friends.
When rules are broken and consequences are called for, Dr. Bernstein says it’s important to match the thing the teen did wrong. For instance, if a teen doesn’t keep their curfew or isn’t where they said they’d be, their carers may track their location for a while, until trust is restored.
“They’re going to have to earn back that trust, so they might need to check in with the parent more frequently,” Dr. Bernstein adds. “It’s about tying the consequence to the concerning behavior.”
Ultimately, the goal, aside from safety, is to build trust.
As the man’s story went viral, he provided more information on what had been happening
Many think everyone involved should do better
Or that the man isn’t responsible for the situation
But some believe that he, in fact, is the problem
