How the other half live, eh?
In recent weeks, dear reader, I’ve mentioned my Nobel Prize-winning pal Professor David MacMillan, a fellow North Lanarkshire lad who picked up the 2021 award for chemistry and memorably claimed it was his pathway to a guest appearance on Off The Ball.
(To be honest, I still have a hunch he was taking the p*ss…)
Anyway, I texted the big man last week to ask if he’d like to join my table at the Doubletree Hilton this Sunday for the Scottish Football Writers’ dinner.
His response? “Sorry, I’m in South Korea – the newly-elected president has invited me over for his inauguration.”
Wow!
In terms of impressive knock-backs, it sure beats the other one I got from a Radio Scotland colleague who said: “Cannae. I play fives on a Sunday.”
At least he was honest.
The Player of the Year awards are well underway – I hear Dundee FC have already announced: “It’s a roll-over!” – and I was thrilled to attend the Scottish PFA bash last Sunday and rub shoulders with football legends like Gordon Strachan, Alan Rough and Joe Miller, to name but two. (Only kidding, Joe!)
What happens at the awards stays at the awards, but I must tell just one tale out of school…
Partick Thistle lost the first-leg of their Premiership play-off on Tuesday (a 2-1 home defeat to Inverness Caley) but you certainly can’t fault the players’ professionalism.
Nope. They were sitting directly behind us on Sunday at Table 15 and, after sipping nothing stronger than water all night, they left the hotel en masse at 10.30pm sharp.
I’ve no idea, of course, what time – or in what state – they left the lap-dancing bar across the road…
Seriously, though, when I sent my old pal Ian McCall (the Thistle boss) a photo of the empty table and an assurance not a drop of alcohol had been consumed by his boys, he replied: “I know… it’s a f*****g disgrace!”
Brilliant.
I’ll be joined at my table this Sunday by, among others, my Radio Scotland chum Richard Gordon who dramatically announced last week he’s quitting the Saturday Sportsound programme after 30 years to join Cove Rangers FC as Head of Media & Communications.
According to a lovely tribute from fellow BBC broadcaster Martin Geissler, the big Aberdeen fan is “the most polished presenter” he can recall.
Come on, Martin, surely you’re old enough to remember Glen Michael’s co-host Paladin the Lamp? (There’s a photo to refresh your memory.)
Tell you what, Richard certainly has a greater knowledge of sport than a certain presenter who sat in his chair many years ago.
After arriving at the Beeb one Saturday morning and being told by his excited producer that the headline event that afternoon was the Calcutta Cup, he memorably replied: “Who’s playing?”
I’ll also be joined on Sunday by Motherwell FC’s chief executive Alan Burrows who’s now recovered after having a wisdom tooth removed yesterday. (I’m sure it was a lot less painful than watching the ‘Well this season.)
One of my fellow Fir Park fans insists we’re going to qualify for Europe before taking the continent by storm.
He’s at the dentist tomorrow to get a wisdom tooth put IN…
Meanwhile, grim times for St Johnstone as Saturday’s home defeat by St Mirren virtually consigned last season’s cup double winners to a nervy Premiership play-off.
But it wasn’t all bad news this week for the Perth punters… they discovered that tractor porn is a thing!
My actor pal Colin McCredie – a diehard St Johnstone fan – joined us on Off The Ball to promote Oh When The Saints, a play about the Fair City and its football team which runs at the Perth Theatre from June 2-18.
Alternative titles suggested by our listeners included Scone With The Wind, Les Miserables, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are In The Play-Offs, Seven Brides For Seven Cousins and, with a nod to how St Johnstone’s season-ticket holders have been feeling this season, Twelve Angry Men.
We ran a similar competition a few years ago – what would you call a stage production set in Motherwell? – and, in the interests of fair play, the pick of the bunch were Fiddler On The Dole, Buckfast At Tiffany’s, Oklahomeless, Charlie And The Charlie Factory, Miss Sign-On, Lidl Shop Of Horrors, Les MiserASBOs and Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Shellsuit.
PS. Memo to the Tartan Army who will (hopefully) be going to Qatar at the end of the year: you face paying for the world’s most expensive beer at – wait for it – £9.98 a pint!
Might I suggest you acclimatise for the 2022 World Cup Finals by drinking on George Street in Edinburgh?
PPS. Congrats to Celtic FC who’ve all but sewn up the Premiership title following the 1-1 draw with Rangers, but commiserations to club mascot Hoopy The Huddle Hound.
I hear he’s being replaced by Peter Lawell’s pet dog…
Shinglebert Mumperdinck
On the back of attending the brilliant Engelbert Humperdinck concert in Glasgow last week, I received an email from “Bishop the Hibby”, who says he used to play a game that involved combining the name of a singer or band with a well-know disease or affliction.
And that’s why – in his book – the Release Me crooner will always be known as Shinglebert Mumperdinck.
To be honest, it never really caught fire when I chucked it out to my radio listeners, but I received a few suggestions after the show. (Most of which were: “Don’t subject us to this sort of guff ever again.”)
So how about The Heebie Bee Gees, Chris DiarRHEA, Crosby, Stills & Rash, Def Leprosy and Buddy Holly & the Rickets?
Meanwhile, on the back of having Graeme Murty – the legendary Rangers caretaker boss – on Saturday’s show, an Aberdeen listener recalled his partially deaf school janitor back in the 60s who had a wee hearing box round his neck that looked like a portable radio.
That’s why he was known to all the kids as the janny wi’ the tranny…
PS. I was told years ago about a wee school caretaker from Coatbridge who was about 4ft 6in.
The pupils nicknamed him Janny DeVito.
Splashing Out
The crystal encrusted gown Marilyn Monroe wore to sing Happy Birthday to JFK was loaned to Kim Kardashian for the Met Gala in New York this week and I read it cost a whopping £3.5million.
Wonder how much you’d have to splash out for the encrusted gown Monica Lewinsky wore when she performed for Bill Clinton…?
Bor Blimey, Gov!
It’s hard to conceive that tennis superstar Boris Becker will be spending the next couple of
years in a tiny cell.
Then again, it’s hard to conceive in a small broom cupboard, but he managed that just fine - so I’m sure he’ll be okay…
PS. Time for a quick straw poll: hands up if you think they jailed the wrong Boris?
We weren't porn yesterday but I had X-rated disaster
People in glass houses… listen, I can’t slag Tory MP Neil Parish without admitting that, yep, I’ve also had an embarrassing episode involving porn.
(And nope, I’m not talking about the homemade blue movie I starred in a few years ago…)
Back in the day, when I was the Daily Record’s restaurant reviewer, I got the website address for a Glasgow steakhouse wrong – just one wee typo – and promptly directed readers to an XXX-rated site featuring the sort of blokes who were only one Viagra away from having their own personal selfie stick…
I apologised the following week (the restaurant and my readers acknowledged it was an innocent, er, cock-up) but not before I received one email that said: “Thanks, Tam, I now know what they mean by well-hung meat…”
Lovely.
Experts at a university in China, meanwhile, say humans will have to wait another 400,000 years before we finally contact aliens.
Even the Sue Gray report might be published by then.
My fav photos of the week
Another Tory MP is caught watching porn in the House of Commons.
Thanks goodness for the rail replacement bus service at Hogwarts.
All together now: “Hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, oh-oh-oh…”
To the person who enquired this week – no, this is NOT my Facebook page…
Remember, chaps, never snort Viagra.
My wee girl Sophie putting the finishing touches to my column.
Text jokes of the year
I wonder how Boris Becker is handling the pressure of the men’s semis today?
What do we want? More acronyms! When do we want them? ASAP!
A gang of thieves has been going around Glasgow, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. Police believe they’re still at large.
A lorry carrying thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus shed its load yesterday. Witnesses were stunned, shocked, startled, surprised, aghast, rattled, dazed, bewildered, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded and astonished.
I met my girlfriend on the net. We’re both rubbish trapeze artistes.
I’m really keen on buying one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the girl at the till keeps putting them back…
It's toilet humour
To south-east London, where a lorry hit a bridge and shed its load of toilet rolls.
Motorists say the subsequent two-hour traffic jam drove them round the u-bend.
(© The Two Ronnies, 1979)
PS. Tell the truth, you were expecting a gag about skid-marks, weren’t you?
A political cereal filler
According to the latest survey, the nation’s No1 breakfast cereal is still good old cornflakes.
However, following the ferry scandal and the mysterious disappearance of documents, regular reader Bob McFarlane reckons the First Minister’s favourite is Shreddies…
And finally
A quick word before I sign off.
If you gave anyone a slap yesterday for saying “May the 4th be with you”, that’s a drink I owe you.
