It’s lovely to be back, dear reader, after two weeks away. Don’t know if you watch it but I spent the last fortnight on Love Island.
Nah, I was on my summer holiday. First up, a week in the Lake District – I’d always fancied it after watching a few live streams on the internet where one of the highlights was a rather baffling sign on the toilet door (see the picture on the right) at our campsite.
Do people REALLY try to flush bottles, old Nokia phones and stingrays down the pan? Week two in North Wales was also quite confusing thanks to the weird and wonderful place names.
A pal once visited the legendary village of llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch (yes, I did google it!) and, while having a bite to eat one day, he asked the waitress: “Excuse me, hen, how exactly do you pronounce this place?”
The lassie cleared her throat and said: “Burger King.” Most of the towns and villages have shorter names, though, on account of the fact they appear to only use consonants. Yep, Wales is unquestionably The Land That Vowels Forgot. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have assumed TRNSMT was a Welsh music festival.
When signwriters in the rest of the UK run out of the letters A, E, I, O and U, I reckon they just get a job in Wales. One day, for example, we drove through a wee place signposted as “the highest village in Wales” and, well, whoever named it must have been high on SOMETHING. Or perhaps he was just suffering from Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
It was called, wait for it, Bwlchgwyn. See what I mean? How the hell do you pronounce THAT? No offence, but that’s not a place name, that’s a Countdown conundrum or a crap hand at Scrabble.
Anyway, folks, if I can adopt the Welsh approach, only one reaction to filling my tank on the road home at Gretna services: “Fck m gntly!” Gretna, of course, is synonymous with folk making snap decisions they later regret and I’m STILL kicking myself for pulling into that petrol station.
I paid 205.9p a litre for diesel – a personal best – and here’s something to ponder… you know how service stations already have branches of WH Smith, M&S Simply Food, etc, etc? Well, if they opened a Poundshop, how much would everything cost?
PS. The TV highlight of the week was still the return of Two Doors Down on Tuesday at 10pm.
When I texted my pal Grado – one of the stars – to wish him all the best, he replied: “I hope it turns oot decent. I cannae watch it, I’m too nervous. Plus, Love Island is oan until five past…”
Just like your text message, Grado, I can tell you it was brilliant.
Kanye's not Gregg's
Trendy trainer wearers have been warned to steer clear of Kanye West’s new line of shoes as they look like Cornish pasties.
Oh yeah, and they also cost 300 quid!
Relax, guys, it’s only a matter of time before Primark – who already do a Greggs collection of clothing – release the £8.99 Steak Bake Sannies.
You'll have to walkers to the next shop.
It’s been reported that supermarkets have been hit by a Walkers crisps shortage. That’s not news – there’s a crisps shortage in every bag!
PS. Hello to my new pal Kimani, a lovely guy I met a couple of weeks ago who has invited me to his African restaurant in Glasgow city centre.
Tell you what, if the food’s even half as good as his patter, I’m in for a treat. He told me the dishes are great, the beers are ice-cold and there’s only ONE downside…
You have to walk 40 miles for water! LOL.
Nuts!
So, a fella walks into the chemist and asks if they have a condom two millimetres long.
“That would only fit a mouse!” laughs the girl behind the counter. “I know,” he says. “My house is full of them.”
I was reminded of that old gag when I read that scientists have developed contraceptives to limit the number of grey squirrels.
Can’t they just paint them red? Or, to curtail their sexual activity, force them to get married?
We’re talking ORAL contraceptives, by the way, not tiny condoms (just in case you had an image of the boffins “assisting” a squirrel by showing it a four-pack of Topics).
I have another possible solution to stop grey squirrels breeding.
You see, folks, it was also reported this week that, due to a chemical imbalance, a man’s sex drive dips when he’s hungry.
So there’s your answer to the squirrel problem - take away their nuts…
Scotland's best bits
I see Arthur’s Seat was on fire the other night.
Which reminds me, what about the poor bloke who mistakenly used Tesco toilet wipes as loo roll OOYAH!!!
His name is Leon Bleed – sorry, Gleed – from south Wales and, yep, I think we’ve found the man who should NOT be trusted with a Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner…
Talking of tourist attractions (Arthur’s Seat, not Leon’s burnt bahookie), Scottish business was boosted by £65million last year by people coming from around the world to visit famous film and TV locations.
The three most popular were Glencoe (where they filmed Skyfall), the Glenfinnan Viaduct (where they filmed Harry Potter) and Glenrothes (where they filmed Chernobyl).
Meanwhile, the Edinburgh Festival is almost upon us and regular reader Bob McFarlane – Hamilton’s No1 punster — informs us that a few years ago the Laser Light Show was so powerful it completely removed the Tattoo…
Bye Bye Boris
Hats off to Madame Tussaud’s in Blackpool for placing their Boris Johnson waxwork outside the local job centre.
They couldn’t keep it on display anyway due to spiralling costs. Every week for the past two years they had to keep adding extra inches of wax to his nose.
In fairness, though, I think we should ignore the social media rumours that Boris got his hairdresser pregnant. Nonsense. There’s NO WAY he’s got a hairdresser.
My fave funny photos of the week
Well, what sort of busker did you EXPECT outside Waitrose?
When you go shopping with your mate and she steals a 55in Panasonic.
The smile of a father who doesn’t need a DNA test.
Sad that Andy Murray got knocked out early at Wimbledon. Even sadder for his grandad who was looking forward to another week living in Andy’s kitbag.
I think this picture speaks for itself…
When you’re five minutes from home and touching cloth.
This Tory minister’s Y-fronts are clearly too tight.
Text jokes of the week
- After my funeral, I want one of my pals to take my phone and text everyone: “Thanks for coming.”
- Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
- I accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app and it keeps draining my battery.
- I’ve left my wife at home to polish my medieval outfit whilst I go to the pub. She always says she’d like a night in, shining armour.
- I don’t know who needs to know this but, even if a bear is wearing socks and shoes, he’s still got bear feet.
- Top tip: to make your water bed bouncier, fill it with spring water.
- I phoned my doctor’s surgery yesterday and the doctor answered. I said: “Oh hello, doctor, is the receptionist there? I need some medical advice…”
- In a fit of confusion, Diane Abbott has just resigned.
- Not many people know the Titanic had a sister ship called the Italic. It didn’t sink, it just leaned to one side.
- A Scottish man has been killed by a shark while honeymooning in Australia. Reports say he didn’t suffer too long as he’d only been married five days.
- Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet? He didn’t start the dryer.
- Sad news from the tennis world - the man who devised the pairs game has died. RIP Mick Stubbles.
Shaw man
Police stopped a tiny motorised rickshaw for allegedly speeding in northern India and found 27 people in it!
My pal – a former Glasgow cabbie – now operates an old-fashioned rickshaw in Calcutta.
When I phoned last week to ask how he was getting on, he said: “I’m rushed off my feet…”
And finally
I’ll sign off by congratulating my pal (and fellow Motherwell fan) Andy who got hitched last week. Again.
Not suggesting he’s walked down the aisle once or twice before, but his Native American name would be “man with four toasters”.
We had lunch in Edinburgh a couple of months ago and, call it force of habit, but he STOOD UP to cut his cheesecake…
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