They’re some of the most indelible creations of 21st-century TV – and certainly the sweariest. As the super-rich saga enters its home stretch, we’ve consulted the shareholders, analysed the optics and compiled a countdown of Succession’s major players.
Apologies to longsuffering PA Jess, ATN boss Cyd Peach, Uncle Ewan, Sandy and Sandi Furness (the Danny and Dani Dyer of Succession), Naomi “Nay-Nay” Pierce, Berry, Comfrey, Nate “put the wine back” Sofrelli, the Raisin, the Pantsuit Barnacle, the Spooky Embryo and Bridget Randomfuck with the ludicrously capacious handbag. You didn’t quite make the cut. Hey, that’s business. Now let’s go full fucking boar and commence the countdown …
20. Colin Stiles (Scott Nicholson)
Logan’s bodyguard and “best pal”. Whether it’s vehicular manslaughter or an imaginary cat, Big Col will make it go away. Since his “owner” carked it, Colin has resembled a lost puppy in well-pressed jeans. Will merry widow Marcia have a job for him?
19. Karolina Novotney (Dagmara Domińczyk)
Head of PR. Owner of a power-bob. No corporate crisis is too hot for Karolina to handle. When her longtime boss died on a private jet, Karolina kept her cool while the mediocre white men crumbled.
18. Stewy Hosseini (Arian Moayed)
Kendall’s school frenemy is now a powerful investor with a seat on Waystar’s board. Shifty Stewy has penchants for cocaine, rollnecks and betraying anyone who gets in the way of him making more cash. As he says: “I can assure you that I am spiritually, emotionally, ethically and morally behind whoever wins.”
17. Hugo Baker (Fisher Stevens)
Waystar’s smarmy senior comms exec exists in a state of perma-panic, forever scrambling to contain scandals or save his own scrawny ass. You’d almost feel sorry for Hugo if he wasn’t, well, such a massive dick.
16. Kerry Castellabate (Zoe Winters)
Logan’s Winkleman-fringed PA acquired considerable power when she was promoted to his mistress, but got taken down several pegs after her toe-curling ATN anchor audition went viral. She’s now persona non grata, despite claiming that Logan planned to marry her. Could Chuckles the Clown have the last laugh yet?
15. Frank Vernon (Peter Friedman)
Logan’s longtime lieutenant is the lowest-key member of the old guard/greybeards/boiled eggs/Keystone fucks. Frank is an avuncular figure, endlessly reassuring neurotic godson Kendall that daddy wuvs him. Fired, rehired and insulted, he’s often the family punchbag. Roman actively detests him, which is always amusing.
14. Lady Caroline Collingwood (Harriet Walter)
Logan’s waspish second wife’s attitude to motherhood (“I should’ve had dogs”) explains a lot about her messed-up children. The sociopathic aristo cheerfully shafted her own offspring in exchange for a few quid and a peerage for her social-climbing husband Peter Munion, AKA “Lord Seat Sniffer of Pantyhose”.
13. Nan Pierce (Cherry Jones)
The woolly liberal yin to Logan’s rapacious capitalist yang. Nan is the matriarch of rival media dynasty the Pierces, and just as monstrous in her own hypocritical way. Nan primly pretends it’s “disgusting” to talk money, while ruthlessly driving up the price of her empire.
12. Karl Muller (David Rasche)
He hasn’t had a bowel movement for 20 years but the permanently peckish CFO has come into his own in the final series, the prospect of a “golden parachute” loosening his tongue to glorious effect. His withering takedown of Tom (“You are fairly, squarely fucked” “Jesus, Karl”) moved him up several places on its own.
11. Lukas Mattson (Alexander Skarsgård)
Let’s bleed the Swede. The primary antagonist of the latter two series is a highly punchable piece of work. Seemingly an amalgam of real-life tech moguls Elon Musk and Daniel Ek, the strapping Scandi CEO of streaming giant GoJo is toxic and confrontational with an ego the size of Ikea’s Stockholm branch. His reckless douche-bro exterior hides the heart of a killer. But will “the Odin of coding” become the ultimate successor?
10. Connor Roy (Alan Ruck)
The eldest Roy scion is so entitled and deluded, his hobby is running for the White House (well, he was interested in politics at a very young age). When he’s not polling at one per cent, he’s hyper-decanting wine, crooning Leonard Cohen or making wife Willa roll her eyes. The “loony cake” revelation and speech about learning to live without love (“I’m a plant that grows on rocks and lives off insects that die inside me”) raised Con to new tragicomic heights.
9. Marcia Roy (Hiam Abbass)
Logan’s third wife is an icy enigma. Beirut-raised Marcia was impressively ruthless when haggling over her “re-nuptial agreement”, seeing off love rivals and selling their apartment while Logan’s corpse was still warm. “The Scottish Widow” has grand plans for her son Amir. Don’t be surprised by a late bid to dethrone her stepchildren.
8. Willa Ferreyra (Justine Lupe)
IPad overboard! Willa’s move from the periphery to the inner circle has been a joy to behold. The former escort and aspiring playwright made a pragmatic decision to marry a much older man for money. Her disdain for new husband Connor – see her proposal acceptance (“Fuck it, how bad could it be?”) – is hilarious but they’ve become almost sweet. Arguably the show’s happiest (OK, least unhappy) couple.
7. Greg Hirsch (Nicholas Braun)
Greg the Egg. Greg Sprinkles. Greg Question Mark. The Greenpeace-suing grandson of Logan’s brother Ewan often struggles to string a coherent sentence together (“If it is to be said, so it be, so it is”) but he’s cannier than he looks. Under Tom’s twisted tutelage, the country cousin has morphed from lovable clown into sex-crazed, shamelessly opportunistic “Disgusting Brother”. Could the leggy princeling ascend to the throne? What’s he going to do with a soul anyways? Souls are boring.
6. Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong)
He might be the Prince Hamlet of Succession’s rotten state but Ken-doll narrowly misses out on our top five. Somehow that seems fitting for the heir apparent who never quite arrives. He’s bungled deals, battled drug addiction and struggled to prove his worth. Now he’s trying to be Dad 2.0, all built on an underlining-cum-crossing out. He’s had his moments – that rap, that patricidal press conference, that birthday party meltdown – but Jeremy Strong’s intense performance makes Kendall just too agonising to enjoy.
5. Siobhan Roy (Sarah Snook)
Can Pinkie dance? You bet. Logan’s youngest, smartest child and only daughter is shrewd, shark-eyed and fatally underestimated. Initially a liberal political fixer, Shiv returned to the family fold to ply her pant-suited wares at Waystar. Now she’s secretly pregnant and aligned with Matsson. While the brothers and greybeards in-fight, Shiv might just scheme her way to the top, taking estranged husband Tom with her. Firecrotch & Normcore Co, more like.
4. Gerri Kellman (J Smith-Cameron)
The top-ranking woman in a patriarchal world. Her mentorship of Roman evolved into a psychosexual affair which drove the internet wild. Now the slime puppy dream has died but so has Logan, who’d unjustly turned against his longtime consigliere. General counsel Ger-Bear was raised by wolves and knows where the bodies are buried. She has the smarts for the big chair. J Smith-Cameron’s delicious performance – all pithy interjections and precision timing – deserves it.
3. Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen)
That magnificent surname is just a gateway to one of the show’s most compelling characters. Shiv’s still-just-about-husband Tom is a venal operator, happy to kiss corporate ass if it serves his weaselly self-interests. Shunned by the inner circle, Teflon Tommy got revenge by shafting the siblings. Half-hero, half-villain and all-hilarious, can Tightrope Tom-Wom tiptoe to the top? Buckle up, fucklehead.
2. Logan Roy (Brian Cox)
What a bold move by Team Jesse Armstrong to kill off the show’s immoral centre, off-camera, with seven episodes still to go. Such was the pugilistic patriarch’s stature that he continues to cast an inescapable shadow – one with a craggy face, cardigan and tendency to roar “Fuck off!”. The Dundee-born billionaire was a vicious, vacillating leader – scarred of back, savage of tongue and occasionally “piss-mad”. A mighty mashup of King Lear, Charles Foster Kane and Rupert Murdoch, Logan’s philosophy was summed up by his advice to son Kendall: “Life is a number on a piece of paper. It’s a fight for a knife in the mud.” What a creation. Drive your fucking whirly-bird!
1. Roman Roy (Kieran Culkin)
Who else could the MVP be? Right from his evil pixie entrance (“Hey-hey, motherfuckers!”), the incorrigible younger brother has consistently been the funniest, most magnetic member of the dysfunctional dynasty. No wonder he was his late father’s favourite. He’s also been on a journey™, blossoming from bratty loose cannon into a multi-layered maverick who might just be the best bet to take charge. En route, there was the Gerri dalliance (AKA “Rock star and the mole woman”), the misdialled dick pic and a spot of masturbation at his office window. In recent weeks, Rome’s grief has given us an affecting glimpse of his vulnerability. He fidgets. He sits in strange positions. He’s deviantly charismatic. He’s lately developed not just a worrying pill-popping habit but a surprise gallant side. Kieran Culkin’s line delivery is so devastatingly caustic, he steals pretty much every scene he’s in. Arise, Romulus. You win our rankings. Now go and win the family farm.
Did we get the character rankings right? Or have we rated your favourite Royster-doisterer far too low? Let us know in the comments below.
