Stephen Colbert
“Our hearts go out to the people of Florida right now,” said Stephen Colbert on Thursday evening after Hurricane Ian barreled into the state with record winds, rainfall and a storm surge of 18ft. The death toll as of Friday morning was officially 21; Colbert directed viewers to a list of charities on the Late Show’s Twitter page.
But there was still humor to be found. At one botanical garden in St Petersburg, a bunch of flamingoes huddled in the public bathroom to ride out the storm. “Really? They all just went to the bathroom at the same time? Those flamingoes are clearly doing coke in there,” Colbert joked.
And some Floridians have even found catfish in their front yards. “To make matters worse, they were nowhere near as hot as their profile picture,” Colbert quipped.
The Late Show host then checked on the governor’s race in Pennsylvania, where Republican nominee and Trump devotee Doug Mastriano is struggling in the polls, “in part because, according to political scientists, he suuuuucks”, said Colbert.
Among the ways: Mastriano attended the January 6 riot at the Capitol, has associations with Christian nationalist ideas, proposed charging women who violated an abortion ban with murder, is connected to a social media site run by a known antisemite, and was photographed wearing a Confederate uniform.
“Because historically, nothing projects ‘winner’ like a Confederate soldier in Pennsylvania,” Colbert deadpanned.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers mocked Ginni Thomas, the wife of the supreme court justice Clarence Thomas, who appeared before the January 6 committee this week to face questions for unhinged, conspiracy-laden texts sent to Trump’s chief of staff urging him to dispute the 2020 election results. “I’m not legal expert, but I feel like if you’re the spouse of a sitting supreme court justice, you shouldn’t be texting anyone in the government about anything, let alone a coup,” said Meyers.
Thomas was not only texting Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, but also had direct communication with state lawmakers, pressuring them to overturn Biden’s victory. “She was also texting some truly batshit conspiracy theories from the craziest corners of the internet,” Meyers explained, such as her belief that the “Biden crime family” would be arrested and sent to live on “barges off Gitmo”.
“Here’s my question: why a barge off Gitmo instead of just Gitmo itself?” Meyers wondered. “Why a barge off the prison? Have they ever done that with any other criminal suspect ever?”
Jimmy Kimmel
Finishing up his week of shows in Brooklyn, Jimmy Kimmel celebrated a milestone from the New York Yankees star Aaron Judge. The outfielder hit his 61st home run of the season on Wednesday, tying the single-season American League record set by Roger Maris in 1961.
The Yankees star has seven more games to break Maris’s milestone, though he’s unlikely to break the major league record of 73, set by Barry Bonds in 2001 under the cloud of doping. “The difference though is that unlike Barry Bonds, Aaron Judge can still fit his head through the neckhole of his sweaters,” Kimmel joked.
He also mocked the separation of “one of Trump’s most loyal Maga maggots”, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene after her husband of 27 years, Harry Greene, filed for divorce. “His original sentence was 30 years, but the judge shaved three years off for good behavior,” Kimmel joked. “In the space where he had to state the reason for his divorce, he wrote ‘I am married to Marjorie Taylor Greene.’”
Trevor Noah
And Trevor Noah acknowledged the seventh anniversary of his time with the Daily Show by announcing his plans to step down as host. “One of the overriding feelings I found myself experiencing throughout the night and even today waking up was a feeling of gratitude,” he told the studio audience in a special message at the end of Thursday’s taping.
A special message from Trevor Noah pic.twitter.com/lMM8ll51fu
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 30, 2022
“There’s so many people who make this thing come together, and I want to say thank you to the audience for an amazing seven years. It’s been wild.”
The seven years on the show have been “absolutely amazing, it’s something that I never expected,” he added. “And I found myself thinking throughout the time, everything we’ve gone through – the Trump presidency, the pandemic, the journey of … more pandemic. And I realized that after the seven years, my time is up.
“But in the most beautiful way, honestly,” he continued. “I’ve loved hosting this show. It’s been one of my greatest challenges, it’s been one of my greatest joys. I’ve loved trying to figure out how to make people laugh even when the stories are particularly shitty on the worst days. But after seven years, I feel like it’s time.”
Noah attributed his decision to wanting to explore other parts of his life, such as learning other languages or touring standup comedy. The date of his final show has not yet been announced. “It’s not instant, I’m not disappearing – don’t worry. If I owe you money, I’ll still pay you,” he joked.
“I never dreamed that I would be here,” he concluded. “I sort of felt like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – I came in for a tour of what the previous show was, and then the next thing I know I was handed the keys. But I couldn’t have done it without you and I wouldn’t have wanted to do it without you.”
