Stephen Colbert
On Monday evening, Stephen Colbert caught up on a weekend’s worth of potential third world war developments: Russia continues to amass troops on its border with Ukraine, and US intelligence reports point to a planned invasion of the country.
On Saturday, Russian separatists in the eastern region of the country started shelling Ukrainian army positions, which US officials warned “could be the prelude to direct Russian military action”.
“Now, call me old-fashioned, but once you’re shelling, that’s pretty much direct military action,” the Late Show host said. “Hey, hey, slow down you two! I’m worried this getting completely naked and bumping junk might lead to direct sexual action.”
Outside observers said the shelling came exclusively from the separatists, but the Russian separatists claim there was shelling from both sides. “It’s a real he-shelled, she-shelled by the seashore [situation],” Colbert quipped.
Russia has continued to downplay the situation; ambassador to the US Anatoly Antonov appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said, “there is no invasion and there is no such plans … Russian troops are on sovereign Russian territory. We don’t threaten anyone.”
“Yes, Russia’s not threatening anyone! That’s just how they show affection over there,” Colbert joked. “In Russia, if a boy surrounds your house with tanks, that is a prom-posal.”
Vladimir Putin has already recognized the separatists as informal republics; in a recent speech, he declared the independence of Moscow-backed regions in eastern Ukraine and referred to them as “ancient Russian lands”.
“So they’re independent, but they also belong to Russia,” said Colbert. “Putin’s just living the spirit of the old saying, ‘if you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, surround it with 190,000 troops, then ask it again.’”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers dug into the botched unveiling of Donald Trump’s new alternative to Twitter, an app called “Truth Social”. The app launched over the weekend, with issues: select users who tried to create Truth Social accounts were repeatedly met with a red error warning that said “something went wrong, please try again”.
“Though by the time you find yourself signing up for a Donald Trump social media site, something already went wrong,” said Meyers.
“But I’m guessing they’ll try again – if you were first in line to sign up for Truth Social, you’ve probably got some free time on your hands,” he added, mocking a Truth Social user: “Well, I’m just sitting here, waiting for JFK Jr to reappear at the Meadowlands with Elvis and the Loch Ness monster to prove the election was stolen – I guess I’ll try logging in again!”
“I really enjoy how vague the error message is: ‘something went wrong,’” he continued. “Like, even they don’t know what the problem is? Usually you get an error code or something, but Trump’s site just gives you a shrug emoji that says ‘what were you expecting, this thing is a clusterfuck!’”
The snafu makes sense, Meyers continued, because the site is run by former GOP congressman Devin Nunes, who told Fox News last week that the site would be “fully operational” by the end of March.
“By the end of March? This is the digital age!” Meyers laughed. “Everything is measured in nano-seconds and you’re moving at the speed of civil car letters home.”
Jimmy Fallon
And on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon touched on an unfortunate headline from the Winter Olympics in Beijing: the Finnish cross country skier whose competition left him with a frozen penis. “He used it to his advantage though – for two of the turns, he didn’t even use a ski pole,” Fallon joked.
“People could tell something was wrong when he was doing a handstand under the hand dryers in the men’s room.”
“I feel for the guy, though,” he added. “He’s trained for years and now that’s what comes up when you Google him.”
Fallon also discussed the crisis in Ukraine, where it appears all but certain that Russia will invade. “As we speak, Putin is flipping a coin like ‘heads I invade, tails I invade shirtless,’” Fallon said. “Putin’s about as undecided as when a server asks if you want a side salad or fries.”
