Stephen Colbert
Late-night hosts reacted to the historic ouster of Kevin McCarthy from his position as speaker of the House, after a recall vote led by his fellow Republican Matt Gaetz and backed by every Democrat. “Seems like strange bedfellows between those two groups,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Show, but in a Democratic meeting on Tuesday, the California representative Adam Schiff quoted The Big Lebowski: Gaetz “isn’t wrong, he’s just an asshole”.
“He’s right. The douche abides,” Colbert added.
In January, Congress voted a record 15 times for McCarthy to get the speaker job. “But to remove him? Just one,” Colbert cheered. “That’s progress, Kev!”
It was the first time in the history of Congress that a speaker has been removed from their role. “This has never happened before, in the 247 years of our republic,” said Colbert solemnly. “So Kevin, congratulations, you made history. I’m sorry, I misread that: you are history.”
“It’s hard to see any politician come back from this kind of unprecedented humiliation,” he added. “Speaking of humiliation: Donald Trump,” who was in New York on Tuesday for his fraud trial, “which can’t be fun for him to sit there, since the judge already found him to have committed fraud,” Colbert explained.
“But his lawyers seem to be having a good time,” as one of them brought a gaming laptop to the trial. “She’s using her downtime to play Grand Theft Mar-a-Lago,” Colbert quipped.
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recapped day two of Trump’s fraud trial in New York. On Monday, Trump’s lawyers said Mar-a-Lago was worth a billion dollars, but changed their estimate on Tuesday to $1.5bn. “It’s amazing how much your property value can increase when you just make up numbers in your head,” Kimmel laughed.
Kimmel also touched on McCarthy’s ouster. “This was an unlikely and historic team-up between far-right Republicans and Democrats,” he said. “You know how much you have to suck to get AOC and Matt Gaetz on the same side of something?”
The charge to remove McCarthy was led by “Florida Congress-vomit” Matt Gaetz, who “hasn’t been this excited since he wandered into the changing room in Forever 21”.
“Kevin McCarthy says he will not run for speaker again, which surprised a lot of people, including me,” Kimmel added. “I mean, he’s a Republican. You lose a vote, you just say you won the vote. Get with the program, man!”
Seth Meyers
On the first day of Trump’s civil fraud trial in New York, the New York Post reported that a large takeout order of McDonald’s was delivered to the courthouse. “Wow, I knew he was in trouble, but I didn’t know they were seeking the death penalty,” Seth Meyers quipped on Late Night.
As for Trump’s lawyers’ claim that Mar-a-Lago would sell for at least $1bn – “I’m sure he could get that just for what’s in the shower,” Meyers joked, referring to the trove of classified documents Trump illegally kept at his Florida resort.
In other legal news, jury selection began this week in the trial of disgraced crypto-entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried “which is surprising, because by the looks of him, he already got the electric chair”, said Meyers.
And the fast food chain Taco Bell announced that it planned to add breakfast tacos to their menu for the first time. “Finally, some good news for people who wake up still drunk,” Meyers joked.
Jimmy Fallon
And on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon faux-mourned McCarthy’s brief term as speaker of the House, which lasted a mere nine months. “Nine months? Even Aaron Rodgers is like, ‘Damn, that was fast.’ Nine months? I’ve been to Phish concerts longer than that,” he said.
In Trump news, after a day in legal proceedings for his civil fraud trial in New York, the former president posted a sketch of Jesus sitting next to him in the courtroom on Truth Social. “When Jesus saw what he posted, he was like, ‘Oh my God …’” Fallon joked.
As for Trump ordering McDonald’s to the court house – “Trump eating McDonald’s is not really news, I don’t think,” said Fallon. “Now if Trump orders a quinoa bowl from Sweetgreen, that’s news.”
Trump also complained that his trial did not include a jury, even though that’s because his lawyers never requested one. “To be fair, Trump can’t have a jury of his peers,” said Fallon. “Where are they going to get 12 bankrupt former reality hosts?
“You know it’s not good when you’re missing the legal competence of Rudy Giuliani.”
