REGULATORS, MOUNT UP
Lace up those whalebone corsets and sound the Football Banter klaxon. And if you happen to be surreptitiously reading this while attending an event such as a funeral where the prevailing mood is one of extreme solemnity, then we suggest you unhand your phone and return it to your pocket right now. Because in discovering that a certain top flight football club has been named England’s best-run men’s football club in Fair Game Index, Football Daily immediately came up with an extremely funny gag that we’re pretty certain won’t have been thought up or cracked by any other journalist, broadcaster, random social media disgrace user or Gooner in the hours since the announcement was made. You see, the thing is that Tottenham Hotspur … a-ha-ha … what we’re trying to say is … hoo-hoo … Tottenham Hotspur have final … tee-hee … comedy thigh-slap … what we’re saying is that … splutter-cough-splutter … Tottenham Hotspur have finally won something after not winning anything for a very, very long time.
Honestly, sometimes they write themselves and given the advances in artificial intelligence it is surely only a matter of time before all of Football Daily literally writes itself and the usual gang of human no-marks tasked with putting it together and sending it slithering apologetically into your spam folders are relieved of their squad numbers and bombed out of the first team to train with the stiffs. In the meantime, it behoves us to bring you news of this rare triumph for Spurs, voted England’s best-run football club by Fair Game, an organisation renowned for its championing of an independent regulator that most, if not all clubs in the Premier Club really don’t want.
It goes without saying that Spurs’ suits are thrilled with the latest award. “This ranking further demonstrates the huge strides that are being made off the pitch, with our world-class stadium and innovative partnerships enabling sustainable, recurring investment into our football operations to ensure we remain competitive on the pitch and challenge for major honours”, roared Daniel Levy, with no hint of a smile.
The irony? Spurs have been recognised for the very financial prudence that has contributed to the 16 long trophy-less years that . In a nutshell, of all the clubs in the top seven divisions of the pyramid who are mocked for never winning anything, Tottenham have finally been officially recognised as being the most efficient when it comes to serial failure.
And while Spurs fans might not be delighted by this news, their chief suit was. “As a club that prides itself on good governance – with a key focus on sustainability, fan engagement and delivering for our local communities – we are delighted to have been recognised as England’s best-run club by the Fair Game Index,” continued Levy, upon being told that Fair Game’s report analysed data from clubs across the top seven divisions in English football and gave them a score out of 100 based on financial sustainability, good governance, fan engagement and equality standards. A combined, not massively impressive score of 68.2 out of 100 was enough for Spurs to take the prize, a bang average C+ that speaks volumes about just how badly that independent regulator is needed.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I used to hate going to football with him. No matter if I played good or I played bad, I’d get in the car and I’d be reduced to tears. He’d say I wouldn’t have done this right, I wouldn’t have done that right. He didn’t do it because he wanted to hurt me. He did it because he cared. Sometimes it was very, very tough to get in that car, my mum would be going ‘Michael, leave him alone he’s done well’. I could have scored three goals. But he would have said, ‘no, you should have scored six’. Only when I’ve got older in my career, he actually says ‘all right, well played son’. After a couple of years at City. I think he was then like ‘you know, he actually can play football’” – Kyle Walker, one of the world’s best right backs, says the tough love he received from his father, Michael, “made me the person and player that I am”.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The Football Weekly pod squad return to digest the latest Chelsea chaos and preview the weekend’s Premier League fixtures, including Arsenal’s tricky trip to Villa Park.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“Does the existence of a ‘FD Head Tech Boffin’ (yesterday’s Football Daily Letters) hint at the existence of other ‘Tech Boffin’s’ at work on our favourite daily harbinger of doom and gloom? No wonder it’s such a genuinely funny read every day” – David Bell.
“Rather than having a second team, the PFA should have given us an alternate first team of players not from Arsenal or Manchester City” — JJ Zucal.
“As a fully commited slacker, I was intrigued by Enzo Maresca’s comments about working with his favourite 21 squad players and seemingly not caring a jot for those on long contracts that are not in his immediate plans or line of sight. Todd Boehly might be the butt of jokes in your email but all I can say is where can I find a line manager like that?” – Colin Reed.
“Regarding your Dean Lewington comment, may I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that between 2013 and 2024, quite a lot of Franchise FC players have been double the age of the team they are playing for” – Phil Jones (and no others).
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Colin Reed. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
BREAKOUT BIT
No sooner had Chelsea published a tweet reminding their supporters how much Conor Gallagher loved the club that had just turfed him out, than he was at Atlético’s Metropolitano enjoying a welcome to remind him just how well out of Stamford Bridge he is. Dressed up like a deckchair in his new team’s shirt, he was led into a darkened ground by a pair of Harley Davidson motorcycles, before a man in syoot and pumps announced him to the crowd and he addressed them in Spanish, equal parts mystified and delighted by the novel experience of not being mistreated by his employer.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jermaine Jenas, the host of Match of the Day 2 and the One Show, has been sacked by the BBC.
John Textor is considering two offers and has serious interest from four other investors for his 45% stake in Crystal Palace as he attempts to accelerate his efforts to buy Everton.
Enzo Maresca having a clearout isn’t everyone’s idea of news, but here we are: Raheem Sterling want a permanent move after being told he’s surplus to requirements at Stamford Bridge.
Remember the excitement about Liverpool’s Bobby Clark, son of Newcastle and Sunderland’s Lee? Well they’ve just sold him to Pep Lijnders’ RB Salzburg for £10m.
Sander Berge has joined Fulham from Burnley for £25m but Everton are unlikely to sign anyone else. “The club seem steadfast with the business we have done,” growled Sean Dyche. England ‘left-back’ Kieran Trippier has been linked, as a player looking for first-team football beyond Newcastle.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Football is medication. For an hour and a half you forget you’ve got cancer.” Comedian Matt Forde gets his chat on with Dominic Booth.
Is the Bundesliga now more competitive than the Premier League? Well they had a new champion last season and Leverkusen are, says Andy Brassell, the team to beat – despite Bayern’s summer transfer splurge.
It’s Ed Aarons on Brighton and the importance of respecting your elders. Sort of.
The NWSL has abolished its draft system in order to attract the best players. Jessica Berman, the league’s commissioner, explains how it’s going to work in a wide-ranging and exclusive interview with Talia Barrington.
MEMORY LANE
There’ve not been many funner, more charismatic or personable footballers than Denis Law – not usually a concern of the nation’s favourite football email. But here he is around the old Joanna in 1960 with Gordon Low, a pal, and Mrs Ethel Sobey, his landlady, accompanied by Mr Bill Sobey and cigarette.
