That title is a description of the page on which new Hollywood ideas get written. Here is a pointless new live-action musical version of the Snow White myth, a kind of un-Wicked approach to the story and a merch-enabling money machine. Where other movies are playfully reimagining the backstories of famous villains, this one plays it straight, but with carefully curated revisionist tweaks. These are all too obviously agonising and backlash-second-guessing, but knowing that at some basic level the brand identity has to be kept pristine. This is particularly evident in the costume design, with which the wicked witch gets a pointy dark crown and skull-hugging black balaclava and Snow White is lumbered with a supermarket-retail tweenie outfit with puffy-sleeved shoulders. Those otherwise estimable performers Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot are now forced to go through the motions, and they give the dullest performances of their lives.
Traditionally, the heroine’s name refers to her skin, with lips red as blood and hair dark as ebony; now it refers to the snowstorm that accompanied her birth. Zegler’s Snow White had loving parents in the King and Queen but after her mother’s death her father becomes infatuated with a witchy new noblewoman at court; Gadot’s lips are at all times seductively and contemptuously pursed. But later the King simply vanishes from the story and the script ties itself into a few pretzels explaining what is supposed to have happened to him and when. The stepmom-witch keeps Snow White in Cinderella-style serfdom below stairs where the poor child wanly sympathises with the population’s poverty. As Snow White grows up, the magic mirror breaks the bad news about a change in the prettiness-ranking; Snow White is then forced to flee to the forest and stay there once the huntsman has lied to the witch about killing her. And then she meets her seven new best friends …
