I am in my 40s and married to the love of my life. I am a very sexual and sensual man. I derive pleasure from pleasing my wife and connecting with her physically and emotionally. However, since having our third child two years ago I feel that we have lost our physical connection. We still have sex but it is less frequent than I would like and it is usually rushed because the kids are at home or we are off to run errands. At times, I feel as if my wife is so mentally busy juggling work and the kids that she doesn’t think about sex and intimacy as much as I do.
It is perfectly normal for a woman with three children and a job to be less available for sex than she was when she had fewer responsibilities. Many couples benefit from planning time together for sex and it sounds as though this would be very useful for you both. If possible, find specific times to get help with childcare and do something fun together and make love elsewhere. I know this is a change from the past when you could have sex more spontaneously, but it is your current reality. You both need to carve out this special time for intimacy as your sexual reconnection will not happen without it. Try to be patient, support your wife as much as you can and remember that for many busy women the sexiest thing you can do is wash the dishes, organise the fridge and empty the bins.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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