They scheduled a community-college baseball game in Texas, and a spring-football scrimmage broke out.
Weatherford reliever Owen Woodward ran from the mound and tackled North Central Texas’ Josh Phillips as Phillips — who had taunted him — rounded third base during his home-run trot, hitting Phillips so hard his helmet went flying and inciting a game-stopping skirmish. Woodward was later kicked off the team.
Only in Texas could a pitcher get credited with a blown save AND a tackle.
Headlines
— At TheBeaverton.com: “Study finds cycling healthiest way to get hit by a car.”
— At TheOnion.com: “Tee-ball outfielder buried up to chin in ripped-out grass.”
Catter up!
The Oakland Coliseum, home to the Athletics, has been invaded by an estimated 50-100 feral cats. Animal control has been trapping the squatters, spaying or neutering them and returning them to the ballpark.
On the plus side, the Coliseum no longer has a rat problem!
Kraken Heads Dept.
Seahawks legend Marshawn Lynch bought a minority share of the NHL’s Seattle Kraken and celebrated by taking a Zamboni for a test spin.
And in a related story, getting all three types of penalties — 2-, 5- and 10-minute ones — is henceforth known as a Beast Mode hat trick.
Lots of elbow room
The A’s drew crowds of 3,748 and 2,703 — their worst two gates since 1980 — last week in back-to-back games, cats not included.
Team publicists, not missing a beat, retroactively proclaimed them Social Distancing Nights.
We’ve lost our Zip
Zippy Chippy, the Thoroughbred who lost 100 career races without ever winning one, has died at age 31.
Forget a Wheaties box — this guy should be on a glue bottle.
Just plane stupid
Mike Tyson unloaded on an obnoxious airplane passenger who was harassing him, repeatedly punching the guy and bloodying his face.
The man was identified only as “George” — presumably not George Foreman.
Garbage time
The Padres became the first team to announce a deal for ads on their uniforms for 2023 — a patch with a Motorola logo.
The Astros, not to be outdone, quickly put together an agreement with Rubbermaid trash cans.
Just call him Big Cat
Eugene Cronley reeled in a 131-pound blue catfish from the Mississippi River, shattering the Mississippi state record by a whopping 36 pounds.
The record becomes official, we assume, once the lunker passes his steroids test.
Envelope, please
Which stunt was the most tone-deaf?
— Giving out Jelly of the Month Club in lieu of the usual Christmas bonus
— Tossing paper towels to hurricane-ravaged Puerto Ricans
— Gifting Bose headphones to the very baseball players you locked out
Talking the talk
— B.C. blogger Greg Drinnan, on the WHL’s Spokane Chiefs forced to play three straight games to open the playoffs because of Paul McCartney concerts in their home arena: “Perhaps the Chiefs can get Sir Paul to hang around and do the anthems before Game 4.”
— Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, on the fan who tried to glue herself to the floor under the basket during the Timberwolves-Clippers play-in game: “She received the first three-second violation of the season.”
Heard in passing
This year’s all-quarterbacks version of Capital One’s The Match will feature Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers vs. Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen in a 12-hole exhibition June 1.
Which gives Brady barely enough time to retire and unretire from golf first.
Quote marks
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on only five players appearing in all 82 of their team’s games this season: “In the NBA, they call it ‘load management.’ In other jobs, it’s called ‘not showing up for work.’ ”
— Nuggets backup center DeMarcus Cousins, to AndScape.com, sizing up the Sacramento Kings: “They sucked before I got there. They sucked when I was there. They sucked after I left.”
— @Super70sSports, on Dairy Queen: “The official restaurant of ‘We just lost 19 to 3 but our coach is a super nice guy.’ ”
— Arkansas Razorbacks golfer John Daly Jr., via Twitter, on how he landed his NIL deal: “I have seen my father’s great relationship with Hooters over the years …”
Spiccoli approves
The USFL’s Pittsburgh Maulers cut RB De’Veon Smith for requesting pizza instead of chicken salad at the team hotel.
“He crossed the line,” said Mr. Hand. No, wait — that was Maulers coach Kirby Wilson.
Quote, end quote
— Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera, on nearly reaching 3,000 hits against the Yankees: “A scout from the Yankees told me, ‘If you make it, it’s going to be as a pitcher.’ He got fired.”
— Unnamed college basketball coach, to The Athletic, on college football: “You verbally commit, and you take five visits. It’s like getting engaged and dating five other girls just in case.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on 1,000-plus basketball players in the NCAA transfer portal: “Rush hour … The portal needs an HOV lane.”
— Mike Tyson, via Facebook in 2020: “Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.”
