One of the first things you learn when you’re training to be a counsellor or therapist is to suspend your own judgement in the face of another’s problem. But now and again, a dilemma comes along that’s so triggering, it’s hard not to immediately shout out from the back of the class. This, for me, is one of those situations. So, indulge me for a moment.
In this Ask Anna column, a reader wanted my advice about whether or not to sell her house to help her children get a deposit for a house – she and her husband couldn't agree.
As it's difficult for young people to get on the property ladder, many couples with adult children will face this dilemma.
Deciding whether to help
The reader said: "My kids can’t get on the property ladder, and I feel my husband and I should sell the family home to help them get a deposit. My husband says we’ve worked hard and should be able to enjoy our home and opportunities to travel, rather than use our savings."
Everyone will have a different view
I didn’t buy my first flat until I was 35, and that was thanks to my boyfriend’s wonderful grandmother, who left us enough money in her will for a deposit. I would have loved my parents to help me out financially, but as a separated couple on modest incomes, they couldn’t afford it.
Without question, my inability to buy a property when I was younger has affected my home ownership trajectory – and, in turn, my wealth. But guess what? I’ve turned out fine. And now that my mum and dad are in their late autumn years, I’m grateful I never had anything from them because I can see that they needed, and deserved, every penny they had to secure a safe retirement. You need to consider the financial health and happiness of three parties here: you, your husband and your kids. And everyone is going to have a different opinion.
"You need to consider the financial health and happiness of all parties"
It’s natural that you want to see your children secure in their own homes. I applaud you for that – particularly when you consider how difficult it is these days for younger people to take their first step on to the property ladder. In December 2023, the average UK house price stood at £285,000. If you compare that to the average UK salary of around £34,000, your kids might need eight times their salary to get the keys to their first home. Most providers simply aren’t offering mortgages at this level. And that’s where Bank of Mum and Dad comes in.
Hold a family meeting
So, what’s the solution? As with all family dilemmas, communication is key. I would advise you and your husband to sit down with your kids and have an open and honest discussion about their financial situation, and any expectations they may have when it comes to you helping them out. From a practical point of view, there are several options.
One possibility is to explore alternative ways of assisting the kids, without going as far as selling the family home. For example, you could think about giving the children a loan, gifting them some cash as an early inheritance, or co-signing a mortgage. That way, you could hang on to a significant chunk of your money, which would allow you and your husband to enjoy the house and be able to travel.
If you decide that selling the family home is the way forward, you must both weigh up potential consequences. Will downsizing affect your lifestyle significantly? Can you afford to finance your retirement with the same standard of living after parting with your largest asset?
These are crucial questions to answer. Remember, supporting your children doesn’t necessarily mean having to sacrifice your own happiness and security. But whatever you decide to do, I would strongly recommend that you seek independent financial advice – only then can you strike a balance between helping your kids achieve their goals, while you and your husband continue to reap the rewards of your hard work. That way, everybody’s happy.
If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.
This article first appeared in the June 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
