Family dynamics can be complex, and everyone has at least one story of how problematic their parents or siblings can get. But some take things a few notches higher with how disturbing their situation can get.
A chunk of those people shared their experiences through answers to this Reddit question: “What made you realize that there was something ‘off’ about your family?”
A few commenters revealed experiencing a level of neglect from their parents that they initially thought was normal. Others were astonished by peaceful, tensionless interactions during dinners at a friend’s house.
This list has some of the best answers from the thread. Scroll through and see if any of these hit close to home.
#1
I was maybe 11 and my friend was supposed to spend the night at my house. I was a bit embarrassed because we could hear my family fighting, but I didn’t consider it a bad fight because the walls weren’t shaking and no one was throwing or breaking anything. She told me if I ever needed somewhere safe to stay that her mom would come get me and I could stay with them. I knew her mom wasn’t the most stable person in the world, but that woman took care of me from 11-18 any time I needed anything. I could probably call her now, years since I’ve last spoken to either of them, and she would still treat me like family.
Image credits: klovey2
#2
Hearing from other kids how generous their parents were: Taking them to a pediatrician, giving them basic advice, caring about their feelings, helping them out when they were struggling... Then realizing all these things weren't about going above and beyond but rather what normal parents do.
Image credits: DeathSpiral321
#3
I went to a friend’s house after school one day, and her mum called us down for dinner. I was astonished that the whole family sat down at the table and ate together, and chatted and joked and laughed. They actually seemed to be ENJOYING each other’s company. There was no tension, no one was yelling or being sullen, no hint of threat in the air. Just a simple fun dinner. Apparently they did that every night! Shocking behaviour. I privately thought her family was really weird for that, but once I started making more friends, I began to realise it was MY family that was ‘weird’. ☹️.
Image credits: saludpesetasamor
#4
When I told a funny story about the time my dad was getting ready to give me a belting but he was so furious he didn't keep a good grip on me and I dodged the blow and he whacked himself across the shins.
That was at a party in university. I'll never forget how I finished the story with a chuckle only to be met by a wall of horrified silence. Later a friend took me aside and kindly informed me that it wasn't funny or normal for a dad to routinely beat their child with a leather belt.
Image credits: unrepentantgeraldine
#5
Lots of Abuse and neglect, living in filth, mice, roaches, if something broke, oh well. We had a broken window for years, it was ridiculous.
My best friends mom used to have me bring my laundry on Friday nights in a pillow case, and she'd wash it for me for the next week of school. I used get PE as my last class on purpose so I could properly shower and wash my hair with actual shampoo, not Palmolive. My secret family made sure I had everything I needed from 12-17. Even bought my shark week supplies because my mom would buy the cheapest Kotex and cut them in half for me to use ( i was the only girl) .
When it was health week at school and they passed out hygiene kits, I took everything i could and if my taken care of friends didn't want theirs, I took those too.
I left at 17 and never looked back. My dad was not as bad mom, yes neglectful, but he went thru alcoholism and worked A LOT, so we got left at home with the abuser. In did reconnect with him as an adult and they had divorced many years before that and he genuinely was a sweet man who changed his life and was so sorry.
But about at 14, I even stopped eating anything from the house because everything was contaminated with roaches and grime. . I was big into sports, so was my bff, so her mom would always have a salad or sammich for me in the car, and always a capri sun and some fruit. I ate breakfast and lunch at school with the reduced lunch program that I signed myself up for.
This was in the 80s and some relatives later told me that they called CPS a few times, but they only counted bedrooms and never once talked to me or my brother. CPS in the 80s, was a joke. I'm glad I was secretly adopted ?.
Image credits: graeflamingo
#6
When I heard a classmate's mom tell my parents about how much she adored me and how much I lit the room up with my personality, and that she was glad I was friends with her daughter. I never heard anyone in my family speak with that level of positivity and depth about anyone, including family. I was confused as to why I could leave an impact on essentially a woman I interacted with in passing, but my parents couldn't even remember what grade I was in.
Image credits: 3D_Otters
#7
I entered public school at thirteen. Was bullied by the kids who immediately picked up on my lack of social skills. I was as polite and pleasant to them as I would be to anyone. A month later, once I had established my first ever friend group, they told me how unusual my inability to be bothered by bullies was, citing my extraordinary ability to be unbothered by verbal abuse.
Being taunted for my physical appearance wasn't unusual to me because that's how my parents spoke to me. That's when I knew my parents were different. It had never occurred to me that my parents were different because I had just always known they Didn't Like Me and that being laughed at and called names by them was... just how they treated me.
Apparently it's really unsettling to bullies when you genuinely laugh off their comments or double down and provide an even worse description of your failings without having any negative emotions around it.
It made me feel very proud of myself for the things I knew I was good at and in an odd way provided me the confidence to be curious. My parents didn't care about me or anything I did so I had to seek out what was important to me and accept the influence of people I genuinely respected and admired.
Image credits: That-Condition9243
#8
The first afternoon I spent with my best friend's and now partner's family I was six years old, I fell and scraped my knee, as six-year-olds do. His dad rushed over and helped me up, telling me it’d be okay and that I was okay and that we’d go clean it up inside. I had never had an adult clean my cuts before, no one had ever taken care of me before, not since I was old enough to feed, dress and bathe myself. I realised then that my parents were supposed to take care of me.
Image credits: tired-activist-shit
#9
I had multiple moments like that but the one I still think about the most is actually ironically menial.
I'm 30. Seven years ago I had already been in therapy for years to work through, amongst other things, the trauma my family's abuse has caused. I had already been through the "Wait, other parents don't beat their kids senseless?"-epiphany.
But what broke me was my boyfriend's mother telling me that "of course" she had used lactose-free products and "obviously" the dessert had no hazelnuts the **second ever time she met me**.
Not once in all this time had it occured to me that I'm allowed to expect people not to feed me stuff that will literally put me in agony.
Double awesome if you know my dad's a doctor, my mom's a nurse...
Image credits: Schattentochter
#10
When I travelled across the country and spent a few weeks with my partner’s family during Christmas. Honestly, it was the fact that when his brother forgot to bring the stuffing to Christmas dinner everyone reacted appropriately and in proportion to the situation. Nobody died…we just ate more of the potatoes. Sure there was some gentle teasing towards his brother for forgetting the ONE item he was in charge of but everything turned out just fine. It was such an appropriate response to such a small problem. In comparison, the preceding year at my family’s Christmas my uncle KICKED my mother because they had a disagreement (and I don’t even remember what it was about).
There was obviously more to it than just this incident, but that’s the moment where it really hit me. Aaaaaand then I spiralled big time. I tried to break up with him because I fully planned to kill myself once I arrived back home. I thought there’s no coming back from this, my family and myself are so completely irredeemably WRONG that I don’t have any hope of being a functioning person, let alone part of a real FAMILY! What am I doing here, why am I wasting everyone’s time?
It was a very dark moment, and nobody could figure out what was going on. But even though I seemed absolutely insane, everybody just…carried on and continued trying to include me. 5 years later…we’re still together (and I’m slightly less crazy!).
#11
My friends moms didn't start undressing and rolling around on the floor in front of the TV when they didn't get enough attention.
That was odd to me.
Image credits: Unusual-Shopping1099
#12
My father had an extremely bad temper. One time when I was 13 years old he picked me and my friend up from school and my dad was in a really bad mood. He started screaming at me for being too stupid to know something or other. I was used to it and totally silent. When I was with my friend later, he was in complete shock. I downplayed it and I told him it’s totally normal. He said “no, it’s not”. And, I never forgot that.
Image credits: Blu3Ski3
#13
When I spent an afternoon at my friend's house when I was about eight. Her dad randomly asked us if we wanted to do anything fun and he ended up teaching me how to play Monopoly and how to ride a bicycle. It was then that I realized that spending quality time with their kids is something that normal parents did. In our house my parents would never do anything with us during their free time outside of going to the mall and eating out.
Image credits: yodelingllama
#14
When I realized I didn’t wanna bring my friends or future partners around them because I was afraid my family would be mean to them.
Image credits: moonsonthebath
#15
At school in the bathroom, maybe 4th grade, my elementary school best friend saw the welts and bruises across my legs from getting “whooped” with a belt and immediately took me down to the school office crying, called her mom and told her, and the office ladies were kind to me for the first time ever. My bf’s mom showed up to the school and I went home with them that day.
#16
When I had to get a couple mandatory vaccines the summer before college because I had never had a single vaccine. (Anti-vax parents). I spent that entire summer getting 1 shot in each arm every week because I wanted to get all of them.
#17
Realising there was a strange contrast between my dad owning a garage of 10 sports cars and owning an airplane and we flew by private jet when he wanted to go on a family holiday. But, my mom’s debit card would regularly decline in line at the supermarket and we’d have to put some items back. And when I realised my mom “owes” my dad money, and he charges her interest on her “loans”. They’re still together. Now I recognise it as financial (and emotional) abuse.
#18
When I was crying to my mom about my step brother choking me to the point I was turning red and some bystander had to pull him off of me and she just shrugged and asked if I had done something to him, I also told my dad and he got angry at me.. Definitely f****d up that's for sure.
Image credits: MailNo4142
#19
I went to work as an Au Pair after university. I was shocked that people have family dinners and talk about how their day went and that children's answers were taken seriously and not mocked or dismissed. I was shocked when the kids' dad went out of his study to ask his children "How are you?". I
was shocked that parents actually take kids to activities that their children like and not to those they, the parents like. I was shocked that you can have fun with your parents and have fun around them. Dance, sing, run and they won't make fun of you. I was shocked to find out about movie nights for family. Like, parents actually watch a kids movie with children and don't just turn on something they want to see.
I was shocked when the dad did the majority of the cooking and not because the wife was not around but because he actually liked cooking. And that he was affectionate towards his wife. I was so shocked when he just randomly brought her flowers, when they cuddled on the coach.
At first they seemed crazy, but then I realized it is my family who is not alright.
Image credits: fragielijs
#20
When I was around at my best friend's house and her dad happened to be there, he came in to say hello, my bf said something mildly cheeky to him and I held my breath and tensed up waiting for him to kick off... he just laughed and teased her back. I'd have been about 7. It was revelatory, and helped me keep my sanity until I could afford to leave home.
Image credits: originallovecat
#21
When I was told not to talk to my friends about certain things that happened home because "you don't share everything with non family members" and "they won't understand".
Image credits: PeakRepresentative14
#22
Probably around the time my step mom put a lock on the outside of my door and would lock me in my room with a little bowl of snacks and a TV that only got like 3 channels. Also how we went to Sea World and they just left me in the car (at least the windows were down.).
Image credits: DatTF2
#23
The big, grown-up Uh-oh realization happened when my mother asked me and my siblings to lie about our identities and claim to be visiting cousins when CPS showed up. Oh and then when we fled the state. I was nine, definitely old enough to know that was bonkers.
Image credits: Girleatingcheezits
#24
I think it was the first time I talked about what my house in California was like when I moved back to Florida as a preteen.
Yeah, it turns out living in a hand made shack of plywood and plastic tarps on a man made jetty as part of a homeless colony in Northern California for a year is not a "typical" thing families do.
Oddly enough, chopping up and burning your Christmas tree because it was the only fire wood available to you on said jetty 4 days after Christmas due to the fact that your parents abandoned their 7 year old and 2 toddlers under 3 to go “help" your dad's brother with "cooking" is also not a universal experience and your 5th grade class and teacher will not think it's a silly goofy story and have the most horrified looks on ALL of their faces.
Yeah.
My parents did a lot of questionable things whilst on m*th. Like cook m*th.
Image credits: The_Jacob
#25
My mom brought me to an evangelical church multi-media show/“play” that simulated a school shooting (you then watch all the “heathen” children go to hell after they die) to ensure that I understood the gravity of hell and what not choosing Jesus as my savior meant for me.
I was nine. Still have nightmares about it at age 31.
Apparently other parents don’t do that. Huh! /s.
#26
I realized my family was off when my mom encouraged my brother to join the street life, not for financial reasons, but genuinely just so she can brag (i don’t even know how it’s something to brag about but hey, ghetto communities.) that her son was out there “running s**t”. I only realized it was f****d because of the tv shows and movies I seen of the family n friends trying to get the main character to LEAVE the street life, not join it.
Image credits: RScudda
#27
Seeing families hug each other. We’re a family that does not touch.
Its_Curse replied:
I think I saw my parents hug twice and kiss once. No one ever hugged me. It took me a while to figure out how to do it. Even now, I'm weird about PDA and hugging other people, though I certainly want to be normal about it — just stuff like giving my partner's mom a hug goodbye.
Image credits: Dejanerated
#28
This is probably the opposite of what you expect
My family actually loves each other. A lot. I tell my mom and brother all the time (rip dad, miss the hell out of him), even my sister in law. Always end phone convos with I love yous and stuff.
This is in contrast to many of my friends. Their families are not affectionate at all. It’s off to me but mine is off to them.
I chalk it up to my dad having to take care of his brother and sister a lot and vowing to be around for his kids and my mom just being the baby of the family.
#29
Therapy. Got introduced to the idea of narcissism and everything suddenly made so much sense.
#30
When I was probably about 7 or 8 I realized that other families spent time together on vacation… like, they would go do activities *together* and their kids didn’t just spend time hanging out with staff or locked up in the hotel room. When I was a kid and we went on vacation, it was clear that it was *my parents* who were “on vacation”, we just got the privilege of tagging along. Our job was to spend as much time away from them as possible, and not need them for anything.
… Then I realized other families *also* spent time together *when they weren’t on vacation.* Like, I never realized that other families went for walks, or played together, or played sports together etc outside of daily survival activities. I thought kids playing basketball with their dad was only a thing that happened in movies.
Image credits: sabdariffa
