CLARE Shine knew what she was doing as she closed her eyes and stepped in front of the oncoming car. Fuelled by alcohol, cocaine and self-loathing – none of them in moderate measures – she wanted to end her life at the age of just 23 on a Cork night-time street.
That was in October, 2018, and there was to be a second suicide attempt on a scorching afternoon in Edinburgh less than two years later. That neither succeeded only added to her sense that she was a failure; an addict – or junkie as a disgusted acquaintance once brutally called her – who was a burden on her long-suffering family and friends.
These incidents, and many, many more, are recounted in Shine's searingly honest newly published book, “Scoring Goals in the Dark”. The tome is a stark reminder that no matter how glossy a person's life may appear to be on the surface, what's happening underneath can be nightmarishly different.
Those close to the talented young sportswoman in her native Cork became all too aware of the dark side, the addictions which, far from taking the edge off her existing mental health issues, fed into them with what could have been fatal consequences.
For those of us who knew her only as Glasgow City's bright young striker the perception was very different. She has had two spells at the club, the first predating the Cork suicide attempt, and the second starting in 2019 when, mistakenly as it transpired, she felt she had got her life and career back on track.
At the end of her first-ever season in 2015, Shine scored all three City goals in a 3-0 Scottish Cup final win against Hibernian. Later that month she came on as a substitute to make her senior debut for the Republic of Ireland against Spain at the Tallaght Stadium in Dublin.
What could go wrong?
There is a picture of the very young looking striker – she was still only 20 – which was taken after she had been named player-of-the-match for her 2015 hat-trick. In her right hand is the Scottish Cup, and in the left a bottle of champagne. It was to prove an unerringly prophetic image of her on-field successes and future downfall.
“That bottle of champagne didn't last very long,” she smiles wryly in the course of an interview which is as frank as her book. These days Shine is a recovering alcoholic who, when she isn't training and playing for City, goes into schools and gives talks in her new role as the club's mental health ambassador and project co-ordinator.
None of this seemed possible on October 20, 2018. Shine says she had been plotting her death for over a week to end her misery and stop causing trouble for those she loved most. The portrayal of her younger self is almost impossible to reconcile with my perception of her over a number of years as an exceptionally pleasant, warm and modest young woman.
“Growing up where I lived it was football, football, football,” she says. “It was impossible for our parents to get us in at night because all we wanted to do was play on the green.
“I never in a million years thought that by the age of 23 I'd be an alcoholic. A lot happened in a short period of time that needed to be addressed and I wasn't someone who could confront my feelings. I didn't want anyone to know my weaknesses.”
It all started to fall apart after her first stint at Glasgow City. She returned to the family home in Ireland, where she had excelled at three sports before deciding on football because it offered better opportunities, to play for her local club, Cork City. At least that was the plan.
“There were a lot of times I told my mum I was going to training and wore my kit, but I actually went to the pub,” Shine recounts. “Then I'd come back a couple of hours later, get changed, and go back out.
“It came to a point when it was every day. When the pub shut, I'd find a party somewhere with people I didn't even know. Then I'd wake up and wonder how I managed to get there.
“I had no goals, no drive to do anything. It was just going to the pub and drinking as much as I possibly could. I was completely out of control.”
The night of her first suicide attempt confirms that was the case. “It was like an out of body experience, to be honest,” she says. “I was starting fights with people who were walking past me.
“What was I living for? I wasn't playing football at the time. I was hurting everyone who was close to me to a point where they didn't even want to be around me any more.
“I just wanted it to end and I thought that was my only escape. I wanted it to be over as fast as possible. When you're in that situation of being suicidal you don't want to actually die, you just want the thoughts and the feelings and emotions to stop. You want to have a peace of mind and that's where I thought I'd get mine.”
Mercifully the driver – whose own life would have been badly impacted – managed to brake and the damage was contained to a short hospital stay. Over the next few months Shine got herself clean, repaired relationships with her ever-supportive family and close friends, and started afresh with Glasgow City at the start of 2019.
That November she was again player-of-the-match in a Scottish Cup final against Hibs at Tynecastle. The Edinburgh side had been ahead for long spells of the match, but Shine equalised to make the score 3-3 before adding a fabulous winning goal on 90 minutes.
All the good work was undone during the pandemic lockdown in 2020. A serious relapse led to the second failed suicide attempt in Edinburgh. This time the outcome was 30 days as a mental health patient in Glasgow's Stobhill Hospital, and it was only when another young patient came into her room and unexpectedly presented her with a football that she started to rediscover her self-worth. She is not yet the player she was, but hopes to regain strength and vitality in the upcoming pre-season.
Last Sunday's Scottish Cup final saw her on the losing side to ten-player Celtic, who won 3-2 after extra time, but while City have failed to win a trophy for the first time since 2003, the club's values are what really matter to Shine. It was her 100thgame for them, she has signed a one year contract extension, and says co-founders Laura Montgomery and Carol Anne Stewart have supported and protected her in a manner that few others would.
“I'll be forever grateful to them,” the 27-year-old says. “Football has given me some unbelievable memories. I've won league titles, cup finals, travelled the world with Ireland at senior and youth level – and it has also given me my life back.”
Senior players, including Jo Love, Hayley Lauder, Lee Alexander and former captain Leanne Ross played important roles standing by their team-mate, but Shine says one in particular went above and beyond. “Leanne Crichton was always someone I turned to when I was struggling, and she always was the shoulder for me to cry on,” she says.
“She came to see me in hospital, and was there when I came out. She was enormous for my recovery and I'd like that to be known.”
Scott Booth, the former City head coach and Scotland 1998 World Cup striker, also refused to give up on her and passed on tricks of the trade which helped her score the memorable winning goal in 2019. Close friends include the Republic of Ireland captain and Arsenal forward Katie McCabe, who has written the foreword to the book.
That Shine and McCabe were once the two rising meteoric stars of Irish women's football is an indication of how easy it is to take the wrong fork in life's journey. But, Shine, who hopes it might be possible to return to the Irish squad next season, has also now found a much-needed sense of purpose outwith football.
It is one in which she can use her own graphic and destructive experiences to help others struggling with mental health and addiction issues. Clare Shine has found a powerful new voice.
“Scoring Goals in the Dark”, by Clare Shine with Gareth Maher and published by Pitch Publishing, is now available in bookshops.
