A recovering sex addict has encouraged anyone who may be going through similar feelings not to suffer alone.
John, not his real name, endured a 20 year internal battle before he accepted he could have a sex addiction. Speaking to the ECHO on the basis his anonymity would be guaranteed, John said: "The first step is to be honest with yourself and that is always the hardest."
John accepted he could have a sex addiction when his secretive desire to self-pleasure escalated to sending explicit images to a former work colleague in February 2021. John told the ECHO : "I was aware of the concept of sex addiction but in my head it was somebody that went off and slept with somebody different every night - that's still not me. I've never been in that situation, going and having one-night stands and risky sexual behaviour."
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These preconceived notions made it difficult for the 43-year-old to come to terms with his triggers. But since accepting help and speaking with a therapist, John has started to understand his struggles.
John now lives and works in Oxford with his wife of over 20 years - but believes the root of his addiction started with his strict Roman Catholic upbringing in Liverpool. John told the ECHO : "All the conversations I’ve had point back to my childhood experiences with religion. I think that was probably the root, as a lot of what I thought was normal ended up not being normal.
"We didn’t talk about sex or sexuality or anything like that. I was able to talk about the physical changes in me, but never the emotional or sexual changes. People in Liverpool are more than prepared to speak their mind. But this was a conflict for me because my religion was telling me you shouldn't talk about these things."
John said this encouraged him to "retreat into the mindset" that sex and self pleasure should be secretive. This was something that started in his early adult life and continued on even after he met his wife.
He said: "I just thought it was normal - even after meeting my wife and going through all of those things when you start to open up and fall in love. It was still something I'd do. If my wife was going away for the weekend, the first thing I'd do when she left would be open the internet and watch porn. That fed into where it then became a problem."
Therapists who specialise in sex addiction often identify a pattern that sees the addiction advance beyond dependence to a point of escalation. John believes his escalation was precipitated by tragic personal circumstances.
Around three years ago, John and his wife went through fertility issues and found there was a genetic issue that meant they could not have children without IVF. They had just gone through their third miscarriage. He said he confided in a colleague at work and it escalated to an emotional affair and later a physical one.
He said: "It was a case of two people who both had problems finding solace in each other. My mental state told me if I can keep this secret like other things, then why not?"
John's wife grew suspicious and it was all revealed after she uncovered the messages. Following months of rebuilding, John's urges manifested once again and after coming back into contact with a former work colleague, he began sexting her.
He told the ECHO : "It was almost like an outer body experience. I've never tried to put the blame on anyone else. When it's actually happening to you, you make choices you wouldn't otherwise make. Sometimes I'd step back and question myself but the impulses and urges just drive you on."
With his relationship on the brink, John asked "is this sex addiction - is this a problem? The frequency of me looking at pornography came out and it was like someone holding a mirror up to me saying this isn't normal."
John started seeking therapy for his addiction last year. He said labelling himself as a sex addict helped him challenge his behaviour. The therapy helped him get the first proper help with his anxiety, while also addressing the trauma he and his wife had experienced when she had a miscarriage. He added once he started speaking about his addictions "a lot of the assumptions about what sex addiction is just all falls down as soon as you acknowledge it".
He added: "Most depictions of sex addiction miss the nuance of what someone goes through to get to that point. Sex addiction comes from an early place. It's a lot of different factors all together and unless you know what you're looking for, then you wouldn't see it and think it's a problem."
Around 18 months since he first started getting help for his addiction, John is feeling more positive than ever. He's finally started speaking about his urges and their suspected root with his family and friends.
He said: "It's started to feel a bit more natural speaking about it. I thought people would shy away from it but it's been surprising - sharing my personal circumstance has brought me closer to everyone.
"If anyone reading this is in a similar situation to me don't hesitate to reach out and speak to those who you trust around you. It's very easy to imagine the worst case scenario and face up to it alone. But the first step is always the hardest - being honest with yourself and someone else to have that conversation.
"I'm generally feeling a lot more positive in myself and things are much better with my wife. It still feels quite dark and something I want to deal with with her. It's been difficult to come to terms with but I think I'm getting there now."
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