Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers looked ahead to Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign on Wednesday evening. “With a few exceptions, Republicans are all dreading another Trump campaign,” the Late Night host said. “That’s the central problem they’re facing right now. They all quietly want Trump gone, but nobody wants to be the one to stop him.
“It’s like when you leave a window open and a bird gets in your house,” he continued, “and your whole family is hiding behind the furniture and yelling ideas.”
Meyers cited a new report from the Atlantic on Republicans’ magical thinking for 2024, in which many still hope Trump will simply bow out of the race.
“Who are these people still clinging to the fantasy that Trump will bow out graciously?” Meyers wondered. “When he lost in 2020, he sent an army of Oathkeepers and werewolves to kill his own vice-president.
“Seriously, if you think Donald Trump is suddenly going to change his personality now, at the age of 76, after eight years of politics and an attempted coup to stay in power, you’re crazier than those QAnon people who think JFK Jr is going to come back from the dead,” he added. “It’s never going to happen. If your personality changes at 76, you don’t get credit. You get put in a home.”
One possible out for Republicans would be if Trump actually gets indicted for any crime, Meyers noted, pointing to news that Manhattan prosecutors are reviewing possible charges against Trump for campaign violations involving hush money paid to Stormy Daniels.
“They’re investigating the Stormy Daniels case again? Man, they really are bringing back storylines from 2016,” he said. “If they arrest Trump, I hope the FBI agent who puts him in cuffs rips off his mask and says, ‘Hello, Donald, it’s me, Jeb!’”
Jimmy Kimmel
As part of his 2024 campaign, Trump is “trying to rev up the Maga outrage machine with a heaping helping of trans paranoia”, said Jimmy Kimmel.
In a video, Trump promised to “cease all programs that promote the concept of sex and gender transition at any age” as president and push Congress to pass a bill to recognize only male and female genders assigned at birth. “By me, your commander in chief and official penis inspector of the United States of America,” Kimmel joked.
“He’ll be grabbing everybody by the genitals, because when you’re a celebrity, they let you!” Kimmel added. “Under Donald Trump’s rule, the only genders will be burger kings and dairy queens.
“I like that the guy who busted into the Miss USA locker room is all of a sudden very concerned about who used what bathroom,” he said.
Stephen Colbert
And on the Late Show, Stephen Colbert honored the first day of Black History month, “or as Ron DeSantis calls it, ‘month’”, he joked.
“It’s a time when we as a nation reflect on the past contributions of Black citizens,” Colbert explained. “As a wise man once said, ‘Black history is more than just a month.’ That wise man? A Party City promotional email I got this morning.”
Colbert noted that at least 18 states have enacted legislation to limit the teaching of “divisive concepts” such as critical race theory, and as Black History Month begins, “teachers’ fears mount”, according to one Axios headline.
“And that’s not right. Teachers already have enough fears,” said Colbert. “Mainly running into students at the grocery store, or having to explain that they don’t live at the school.”
The host then pivoted to America’s debt ceiling, which some House Republicans are using to force major spending cuts on popular social programs such as social security and Medicare. “It’s not clear why they would cut programs everybody loves the most,” said Colbert. “That seems … unpopular. Next up: House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt.
“I’m the first to admit that these cuts must’ve taken courage to propose,” he continued – courage that “immediately evaporated” when Donald Trump said Republicans should “under no circumstances” cut “a single penny” from either program. “That headline again: ‘Florida Retiree Says Hands Off My Government Check!’” Colbert quipped.
No longer committed to cutting social security of Medicaid, some House Republicans are still demanding spending cuts, but will no longer specify from where. “So they’re holding us hostage, but they won’t tell us what the ransom is,” Colbert explained. “It’s like a super-villain saying, ‘I will destroy Gotham with my heat ray, unless you give me … anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!’”
