Mum was a gifted child-raiser. My happy childhood was down to her. Tiptoeing around Dad’s explosive outbursts was normal. He was loving, but short-tempered. When I wrote about our relationship, people jumped on the stories of him chasing me round the house and hitting me with a bamboo stick. I never laid a hand on my kids, and would never defend it. But in the 1960s, it wasn’t seen as abuse like today.
I had every intention of going to university. Then during my post-O-level summer I wrote to a local paper asking for work experience. In a hostile reply, the editor told me to fuck off. Then an apology came. I was invited into the office: 20 minutes after arriving, I was offered a full-time job. I dropped out of school and never looked back.
I used to be in a pop duo called Alchemy and played the illegal 1974 Windsor festival. We channelled Simon & Garfunkel – unsuccessfully.
Driving licences shouldn’t be available until aged 25, minimum. Any earlier your brain isn’t developed enough. At 17, I was driving my girlfriend at top speed down a single track country lane in my Ford Anglia when I flipped the car. Nobody was hurt, but I could’ve easily killed the two of us and others. I never drove like that again.
I smoked 60 cigarettes a day through my 20s. For decades I failed to quit. That changed when Judy [Finnigan] and I interviewed Nigella Lawson’s late husband John Diamond, who was charting his slow death from smoking-induced throat and oral cancer. Afterwards, I flushed my B&Hs down the toilet and haven’t touched one since.
Dementia frightens me in ways death doesn’t. These days forgetting things comes with a pang of panic. So far, I seem to have avoided it, but the worry won’t go away.
Don’t sweat the small stuff when it comes to marriage. Keep perspective. Remember that arguments feel hugely important in the moment, but quickly fade with the passage of time. Judy is my soulmate. I love and respect her… I just hope she feels the same.
Accepting grief is the only way through it. I’ve lost both my parents; Mum was older, but Dad went in his 40s after a heart attack at home. It’s like worrying about sleeping – the more you focus on it, the harder it gets.
It’s perfectly possible everyone on this planet is a martian. Life might have started on Mars, or a moon of Jupiter, before a meteor strike dragged chemicals and compounds here.
Walking alone on a path in Cornwall, a man appeared in front of me. In a thick Brummie accent he said: “Everything you’ve ever done or said – and say or will do – I loathe and despise.” I found it hysterical. He seemed confused as to why.
Being conversational is the secret to a good interview. I rarely prepare questions, and think: “What would I ask if we’d just met on a train?”
I couldn’t care less about the Alan Partridge comparisons. Taking yourself seriously is daft. I do the best I can, so please say what you like about me. Be nice, nasty or take the piss. It doesn’t bother me at all.
For a long time I spoke with two accents: a proper Essex-cum-East End twang at school and the office, and the Queen’s English at home. I was bilingual, in a way.
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