Well, we’re all still here. According to most of the rightwing press, we were in for “Starmergeddon”. Plague, floods and earthquakes would only be the start. Famine would be along shortly thereafter.
But a week on from the Labour landslide and the country already feels in a better place. The grownups are back in charge. The rest of us can get on with our lives without having to keep one eye open for what the halfwits in Westminster might do next.
Mystery of the week (1)
On Tuesday, Rishi Sunak held his first shadow cabinet as leader of the opposition. Within hours – why so long? – almost all the details of what had been said had been leaked to the Times. We learned Kemi Badenoch thought that Kemi Badenoch was the only person who had talked sense throughout the election campaign. Which was weird, because most of us can’t remember Kemi Badenoch saying anything. We learned Kemi Badenoch had been the only one willing to confront Sunak with the hard truths. Kemi Badenoch had told Rishi he had been an idiot to call the election for July when no one in the Tory party was expecting it.
We learned Kemi Badenoch thought that Kemi Badenoch would be willing to become leader of the Conservative party if necessary. Finally, we learned Kemi Badenoch would be deeply unhappy if anyone were to leak what had been said in cabinet. So who was the mystery snitch, leaking details that could only be of advantage to Kemi Badenoch? Obviously it would be a huge mistake to imagine Kemi Badenoch was the culprit because Kemi Badenoch knows that Kemi Badenoch would never do that kind of thing. She is a changed character.
Row of the week (1)
Step forward Kemi Badenoch, Suella Braverman and Andrea Jenkyns. Kemi started it by having a pop at Suella – the fact both women are trying to pitch themselves as the next leader of the Tory party is a total coincidence – by saying she was having a very public nervous breakdown with her divisive comments. A bit much from a woman who can pick a fight in an empty room. A contest to find the most toxic politician would be hard pushed to find a winner between Suella and Kemi. But Suella hit back, claiming Kemi was partly to blame for the state of the Tory party for never having challenged Sunak in government. At which point Andrea joined in – she hasn’t got much else to do having lost her seat – and said they were as bad as each other. This one should run and run. The fun hasn’t entirely stopped with a Labour government.
Mystery of the week (2)
What has Emily Thornberry done to upset Keir Starmer? When Keir began appointing senior ministers last Friday, it had seemed his entire shadow cabinet team – apart from Thangam Debbonaire and Jonathan Ashworth who lost their seats – were going to be elevated to full cabinet ministers. Except when it came to choosing his attorney-general, Starmer overlooked Thornberry and promoted Richard Hermer instead. Fair play, you might say. The official line from No 10 was that Starmer thought Hermer was the better legal brain and could better trust his judgment. We waited and waited for Starmer to include Thornberry in his later and more junior appointments but time and again she was excluded. Emily eventually put out a statement saying she was “sorry and sad” not to be asked to serve in the government. Call that code for “furious”. When asked at the Nato conference in Washington why Thornberry had been omitted, Starmer insisted she still had an important role to play. Though not so important he could find anything for her in his first week. By which time he had already named his most junior whips. But his ministerial team is still not complete, so watch this space.
Row of the week (2)
Where else but the Reform party? They are clearly not going to disappoint. You would have thought there were plenty of jobs to go round in Reform as they only have five MPs. As befits a narcissist, Nigel Farage is obviously leader as well as Treasury, Home and Foreign Office spokesperson. That still leaves loads for Dicky Tice and the others to be doing. As it is, Dicky has been upgraded to deputy leader – a promotion that must feel like a demotion as only six weeks ago he was the undisputed leader. Anyway this move has pissed off Ben Habib, the former deputy leader who didn’t make it into the Commons and is now bad-mouthing Farage. Lee Anderson is now the party’s whip. It’s his job to make sure the other four vote the same way as him. Delusions of grandeur. What are the chances that in five years’ time none of them will be speaking to one another?
Comedy drama of the week
With half the venue roped off due to an absence of attenders, the Popular Conservatism conference provided more than its fair share of laughs. Starting with Mark Littlewood, the former director of the Institute of Economic Affairs, who was the closest thing to economic brains behind Liz Truss. Really, if he had any self-worth he would crawl under a rock rather than lead the rallying cry for a rebuilt Conservative party in his own image. Mind you, no one in the audience seems to notice it was Littlewood’s ideas that crashed the economy. Still, he was among friends.
There was no sign of Thick Lizzie either. She’s having a massive sulk after losing her seat. Though Suella did make a guest appearance via video link urging her party ever further to the right. It was as if they wanted to remain in opposition for the next 10 years. A point echoed by Jacob Rees-Mogg who reminded everyone they were now an irrelevance. Before urging the members of the Conservative party to ignore the wishes of its MPs and to choose the most batshit crazy leader on offer. Don’t worry. The fun hasn’t gone out of politics just yet.
Awkward moment of the week
During his speech after the election of the speaker on Tuesday, Keir Starmer was obliged to follow tradition and say some nice words about the mother of the house. Who just happens to be Diane Abbott. Safe to say, Keir managed to leave out the bit about him having tried to get her to stand down at the last election. Something Abbott also chose to ignore. It was a truce of sorts. Though neither looked the other in the eye.
It’s coming home …
Possibly. The last time England’s men won a big trophy at football was under a Labour government in 1966. So far, so good this time round under the new regime. Played two, won two at the Euros. Just the final to go. Trust in Keir. It’s almost as if the whole thing has been a setup. Get the team to play like a bunch of strangers in the group and early knockout stages so that Rishi gets none of the feelgood bounce before the election. Then slip the shackles once there’s a new squad in Downing Street. Gareth Southgate had a plan all along. Let’s hope this entry hasn’t dated horribly by late Sunday night.
What’s new pussycat?
The big new matchup in Downing Street is between Jojo, the Starmers’ prize moggy, and long-term resident Larry. Take my word, this one won’t even be close. Larry runs the place. He’s already seen off five prime ministers and doesn’t take prisoners. So he won’t take it well if Jojo starts acting as if she owns the place on day one. The best advice for Jojo is to stick to the flat for the time being. Then ask Larry’s permission for where she’s allowed to go.
The lost ones
Spare a thought for those MPs who didn’t get elected. Not to mention their staff who have also lost their jobs. On Wednesday I bumped into Tobias Ellwood – one of the good guys in the Tory party – who was packing up his stuff. He was philosophical about his defeat but had yet to work out what to do next. The biggest loser on the night was a winner. Right now, Sunak looks like someone who would have preferred to have lost his Richmond and Northallerton seat. That way he could have got in all his humiliation at once. As it is he is obliged to stay on as temporary leader of the Tories: a job that must tear him apart. Taking meetings of the shadow cabinet at which his judgment is openly questioned. Forced to address the 1922 Committee. This stuff plays havoc with a former prime minister’s sense of self-worth.
