You're in a new relationship and he's promising you the world. Children. A home together. Marriage. Love.
It almost seems too good to be true … and sometimes, it is.
Many men and women don't realise they are dating a narcissist. It's a term that's thrown around a lot these days — think Netflix's Tinder Swindler and Inventing Anna — however, there is little consideration given in real life for the trail of destruction these people can leave behind.
In the latest Australian Story episode, several women came forward with their own stories of narcissistic con men — fantasists who portrayed themselves as incredibly wealthy, fake cancer victims and loving partners ready for marriage and kids — who manipulated partners so severely that it led to financial, mental and emotional ruin.
One woman was out of pocket tens of thousands of dollars while another contemplated suicide. All were left questioning their own self-worth and had their confidence crushed.
These men created grandiose fake personas in order to con women into their love and adoration. Sound familiar?
Australian Story spoke with Relationships Australia NSW CEO Elisabeth Shaw about the toxic behaviours in modern dating that should be setting off alarm bells.
And why you should always trust your gut.
So, what is narcissistic personality disorder?
In simple terms, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition in which a person believes they are superior to others. While many people can have narcissistic traits, those with NPD have symptoms that affect their lives, relationships and other people's lives.
"NPD is all about using other people to prop up one's own sense of self-importance," Ms Shaw says.
"These people are going to be completely driven by self-interest and focused on getting their own needs met at any cost. That … involves a level of being able to be fraudulent.
"These behaviours are pervasive and exploitative and completely lacking any empathy or sensitivity for others."
Ms Shaw says the patterns tend to evolve from early adulthood and usually continue for years.
"It's an ongoing health disorder which can involve a litter of people behind you who are harmed at your hands," she says.
"The person who is engaged in a serial pattern of behaviour is more likely to be driven by the exploitation of others, a lack of empathy for others. And in fact, even when they get feedback, they tend not to change.
"Underneath that is a brittle self-esteem and often a great fear of being unmasked."
People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centred, manipulative and demanding, according to Psychology Today. They may also have grandiose fantasies.
Ms Shaw points out more men are diagnosed with NPD than women, however, men can also fall victim.
And there's a playbook narcissists tend to follow.
Love bombing
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used by narcissistic and abusive individuals. The love bomber will issue an "avalanche of affection". Ms Shaw says this is one of the biggest red flags and often goes hand-in-hand with other toxic traits.
"A flow of such good things that the other person is overwhelmed in a very pleasurable way by the amount of effort that's going into the relationship and in fact, the investment in them as a person," Ms Shaw says.
"The combination of seeing someone who's ripe for the picking, you know, someone who's really ready to fall in love and have a relationship, means that being swept off your feet means you're for the excitement of moving through the stages very quickly."
"Men who are predators have practice. It might be picking up the vulnerability, the loneliness, disappointment in previous relationships. They work out their story and they look for someone who fits with that story."
We can see a real-life example in the Australian Story episode Fakes, in which writer and journalist Stephanie Wood explains how her partner of 14 months, *Joe, fed her lies.
"With Joe, there were dinners out and holding hands across the table and playing with each other's feet under the table and really deep talking like we were really making a connection. The heady days of a love affair in its early stages is intoxicating," she says.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
So you've been love-bombed and you're falling in love but with a narcissist, cracks soon start to show and everything is on a timeline. Unexplained absences or limited availability are also red flags.
Author Stephanie Wood says looking back now at her situation with a narcissistic con man, the biggest red flag was absences. "A man that has to be away all the time or comes and goes."
"Always beware of vanishing acts and the unlikely, ridiculous and implausible excuses for them. Beware the man [or woman] who contradicts himself, whose stories shift from one day to the next," Wood wrote in her book Fake: A Startling True Story of Love in a World of Liars, Cheats, Narcissists, Fantasists and Phonies.
"If you have a very time-bound relationship where you meet in small doses, that keeps going for a whole lot longer because it's not interfered with by the domestics of life, you're not watching someone take the bins out or wearing their daggy track pants. What you're seeing all the time is people at their best," Ms Shaw says.
"If there is bounded reality like, 'I can only see you once a month after nine o'clock', those sorts of things can make you feel a heightened sense of anticipation for those opportunities and pleasure in them and [also] a sense of tragedy. 'We've only got this, so let's make the most of it'."
In some cases, narcissists have entirely separate "secret" families and marriages.
"Pathological lying and an ability to set up a fraudulent life take effort and planning," Ms Shaw says."Once you've got your arrangements in place and you've got your story straight, you can neatly corral off your lives.
"And in fact, in both parts of your life, you may not be seen necessarily as particularly narcissistic. You might be living full relationships and you might be seen to be quite a great guy. It still is a level of narcissism and fraudulence and it is very disturbing behaviour."
Gaslighting when expressing doubts
Gaslighting is when a person's own perception of reality is brought into question. It's another toxic trait that occurs when you start to doubt some of the partner's stories. It's slow, subtle and manipulative.
"It's your belief about something in the relationship that completely dismantles your view and makes you feel a bit crazy. And it becomes a pervasive pattern — it's not a one-off," Ms Shaw says.
"You can lose self-confidence, you can start to misread your own judgement. And that's where your gut instinct gets really messed with.
"This behaviour does involve a level of narcissism, an extreme level of narcissism. And it also involves a pathological lying and a level of deceit that is at the level of criminality."
Overall, Ms Shaw says it's best to trust your gut instincts.
"We've all had the experience of saying, 'I knew I shouldn't have gone along with that'. We need to stop and pay attention to those and ask questions, direct questions, and we should expect direct answers."
Watch the Australian Story episode Fakes on iview or Youtube.
