Blokes wearing hats indoors – beanie hats. What’s that all about? It does my, well, head in. But seriously, why? I was in a fancy restaurant yesterday morning and there a chap was, beanie on, tapping importantly on a laptop, nibbling on something or other without taking his eyes off the screen. What with this intellectual endeavour – on top of the generous, ambient warmth of the room – his brain would surely overheat. Let it breathe a bit, mate, for heaven’s sake.
If there is some shame or insecurity in play here, my apologies. But I pick up the pungent scent of pure affectation. The indoor hat is only a tiny click on the dial away from indoor sunglasses. Perhaps I’m just jealous, because the beanie, inside or outside, is one of several fashion choices I can never make. Apart from anything else, they tend to make me look more like Benny from Crossroads than the actual Benny from Crossroads.
Another look I can’t consider is that business of most of your bum showing above the top of your trousers. I’ve never got that, either. I’m anxious for the wearer – what’s keeping the trousers from dropping to the floor? Also, it seems to demand an investment I’m not prepared to make in branded underpants: Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, etc. I’ve never strayed beyond Marks & Spencer, but in all my worried glances at the backsides of low-slung lads I’ve never once seen an M&S logo on show. Not for me, then.
And then there are the chaps with trousers not long enough to conceal their ankles. I’m not the least bit ashamed of my ankles, but I couldn’t leave the house without them stashed safely away. It’s just not right. It’s as if they have shrunk in the wash, or the sewing tools have been downed, or there is no more hem to work with.
It’s a mad, mad world, fashion. I will have no part in it.
• Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
