As golfers, it's never our fault, is it? Whether it's hitting a shank or dumping one into a penalty area, there's always something else to blame...
1. Mother Nature
She can be a cruel mistress. As you reach the top of your backswing, a rare atmospheric event occurs – a phantom gust of wind or the sun comes out or a squirrel bites into a nut or the air temperature dips or a rogue rain drop drips onto your bald patch. We have all played with people who are inaudibly distracted at everything too, whether it be the birds chirping or a butterfly flapping frantically.
2. Spike marks
It is amazing how the spectre of one tiny spike mark can transform the green in your mind’s eye into something akin to a World War I battlefield. Of course, you could repair it, but you don't want to botch it, you can't really be bothered and you reason it won't make any difference anyway. You're already in your own head.
3. Mud ball
The dimples on your ball have been carefully engineered to offer the truest of flights. What no one needs is a lump of sod attached to one side of it. Unless Winter Rules come to your aid, you need to strike it in the blind hope of success. Failure, in this instance, comes with a perfect excuse.
4. Your playing partner
A golfer in the address position is like a sniper waiting for his moment. Cue Janet asking if you’d like a Murray Mint while you’re at the top of your backswing. “Come on, Janet. Have some respect… Yes, I will have a mint.” Even more annoying is hearing whispering while you're about to unload, normally about some inane subject matter.
5. Other golfers
As we have already mentioned, golfers are in a constant state of hyper-awareness. If you are standing in the wrong position or you move while a fellow competitor is preparing to play, you can expect a volley of four-lettered abuse. And rightly so. Also, please make sure your shadow is out of the way!
6. Slipping
The golf swing is one of the most athletic moves the human body can make – fact. Balancing the demand for speed, control and stability, it’s a wonder we ever make contact. A slip is nothing short of a tragedy. No one saw it, of course, and it's the height of summer, but it definitely happened!
7. Wrong club
“When I got there it wasn’t lying as well as I thought but I couldn’t be bothered to go back and change clubs.” Whether out of laziness or poor decision making, picking the wrong club to play any shot is a recipe for disaster. Plus, a lot of amateur golfers don't actually know how far they hit their clubs, which is a bit of an issue.
8. Wrong yardage
Using the wrong club often comes about because we have the wrong yardage in the first place. Thank your playing partner for measuring the tree behind the flag and not the pin itself. Next time, maybe take matters into your own hands...
9. Bad back/shoulder/neck/leg
Twist away in agony clutching the relevant body part after a woeful shot and no-one will think it was actually your fault.
10. Poor bunker maintenance
The sand at your local club is always too abundant, too sparse, too fluffy or too heavy... or perhaps you have a ropey technique that needs some work?
