Stop moaning about prices and how nothing works… let’s be CHEERFUL instead! Because Centrica, the company that owns British Gas, has announced record profits of £3.3billion.
If you asked everyone in the country what we should do if we had a spare £3.3bn, some people might give a boring answer, such as build a hospital.
Others might show imagination and suggest we spend it on a ski slope for pandas or ask Manchester City to run a bus garage to see if they illegally pay all the drivers £20m each.
But few of us would have the foresight and wit to understand the best thing to do is give it all to Centrica.
Some people might suggest that Centrica profits should be only £2.3bn, so there aren’t any elderly people afraid to put the heating on.
But the Government knows it must act calmly and leave people to freeze. It does offer useful guidelines, however, such as: “If you can’t feel the end of your fingers, ask a neighbour to cut them off using garden shears.
“You couldn’t feel those bits anyway and now you’ll have less of you to try and keep warm, saving vital pennies!”
Anyone who knows how economics works understands that the most important rule for a healthy financial system is to give Centrica all the money in the country.
The first modern economists of the 18th century declared: “To ensure the wellbeing of man, both common or of property, it is of the greatest import that all currency shall be handed at once to the shareholders of Centrica.”
Even the Bible tells us of the Good Samaritan who, upon “finding a Pharisee on the roadside, said unto him ‘You are my brother of the same flesh as I. So I shall take this coin and hand it unto Centrica who needeth it more than you’.”
The homeless should send any money they receive to Centrica. The Government must announce that all money raised for victims of the earthquake in Turkey should be sent to Centrica.
They can launch an appeal of their own, with Joanna Lumley gasping: “Centrica needs all the money. So if you have some spare time, why not go on the game? You could tour your local backstreets, earning a few extra pounds that you can send to Centrica.” It’s unfair to suggest Centrica takes everything, because Shell announced record profits of £32bn last year, and BP took £23bn. The increased profits of the energy companies are a result of the higher prices since Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine.
But isn’t it heartwarming that at last we hear some of the positive sides of that invasion?
This means we should stop trying to find an end to the war in Ukraine, as that would be a disaster for Centrica and its profits. So, if one side starts looking like it might win, we should just destroy a city or two to keep the war raging, because nothing – NOTHING – is as important as sending an extra billion to Centrica.
