CHICAGO — Your suburb could be home to a professional football team, making it the envy of all your neighbors.
Chicago Bears President and CEO Kevin Warren is accepting applications.
Act now before this offer expires.
The Bears’ pursuit of a new state-of-the-art stadium to replace Soldier Field has gone off the rails since Cook County Assessor Fritz Kaegi called an audible, significantly raising the valuation of the Arlington Park property the McCaskey family purchased for $197 million.
Naperville officials quickly pounced on the fumble, holding two meetings with the Bears about the possibility of moving to their leafy suburb 40 minutes west of downtown Chicago. Waukegan Mayor Ann Taylor then wrote Warren proposing a lakefront stadium there, and a Rockford politician chimed in to lobby for his town.
Everyone wants to be associated with the Bears.
To no one’s surprise, the Bears, estimated by Forbes to be worth $5.8 billion, appear to be using the towns’ interest to help leverage a better deal for their stadium, much as the Chicago White Sox did in the 1980s when they threatened to move to St. Petersburg, Fla., before moving into a taxpayer-funded park that needed remodeling a little more than a decade later.
If Naperville and Waukegan can get the Bears’ attention, why not everyone else?
It would only cost the price of a stamp to send a letter to Warren expressing interest in housing the Bears and their genteel fans, or two stamps if you include a self-addressed envelope for Warren’s reply.
The publicity would be worth it, and if every Chicago suburb were to get into the act, we could have the greatest intrastate competition for a new stadium in sports history.
Some towns make more sense than others. Here are 20 we’d like to see put in their bids.
Niles
The Bears would quickly pass the Leaning Tower of Niles as the town’s most popular tourist attraction. Proximity to Superdawg is also a plus.
Joliet
A blue-collar team deserves a blue-collar town, and the old prison from “The Blues Brothers” movie is not being used.
Winnetka
Cheap Uber rides to the stadium for the McCaskeys from their North Shore abodes. Every dollar saved counts.
Berwyn
Nothing sounds quite as lyrical as the Berwyn Bears. Svengoolie’s longtime endorsement of “Berrrrr-wyn?” makes a new stadium deal sound even sweeter.
Rosemont
We know a guy there who knows a guy there who could get it done. That’s all we’re saying. Let’s just keep it at that.
Blue Island
A local referendum changing the town’s name to “Black and Blue Island” could seal the deal. Fans would travel from remote parking lots to the stadium via a scenic barge ride on the Little Calumet River.
Chicago Heights
Over by that place on Joe Orr Road. You know the one.
Kenosha
Why should the competition be limited to Illinois if a town in southern Wisconsin can offer a better deal? Plenty of Bears fans live in and around Kenosha, and you have to like the idea of a Bears-Packers game in Mars Cheese Castle Stadium.
Brookfield
Already has a cool zoo. Might as well have a circus too.
Oak Park
The McCaskeys could have a field day tearing down Frank Lloyd Wright houses to fit a new stadium into the village. Also available by “L.”
Lombard
Known as the Lilac Village and home to the Lilac Time festival, this west suburban town would no doubt welcome a team that smells as sweet as the Bears.
Sugar Grove
Negotiating with the Saudis’ LIV Tour for a tournament stop was good practice for deal-making with Bears owners.
Batavia
In conjunction with nearby Fermilab, America’s particle physics and accelerator laboratory, the Bears could find the answers to two of life’s eternal questions: How did the universe begin? and Why can’t the Bears win another Super Bowl?
Evanston
Already building a new stadium for the 1-11 Northwestern Wildcats? Congrats, Evanston. Add a few thousand more seats and another level of suites for the Bears and no one will know the difference. A skybridge to Mustard’s Last Stand might win over Evanstonians.
Thornton
A stadium set in the Thornton Quarry, known in the south suburbs as “home of the Flintstones,” would make for a truly unique fan experience. Plenty of space for parking as well. Bears fans would travel down treacherous, zigzagging gravel roads to get to the underground, open-air stadium. The drive back up after a Bears loss could be more interesting than the games.
Wilmette
Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts could explain to Bears Chairman George McCaskey how to get the best property-tax reductions.
Bourbonnais
Bears beat writers are clamoring for a return to the site of the team’s former training camp and its plethora of fast-food options.
Downers Grove
The Bears already have been a downer for many years. Just make it official by building a retractable DownersDome.
Bridgeview
This village has plenty of stadium-building experience with SeatGeek Stadium, former home of the Chicago Fire. That seemed to work out well for everyone.
Manteno
Like my late grandfather always said: “The McCaskeys belong in Manteno.” This move would make his dream come true.
