A parent has opened up on how exploring gender felt like “a puzzle falling into place” for them.
Ley Adler, the owner of Little Bears Fudgery, spent most of their life “feeling out of place”, that was until four years ago when they came across the term non-binary. The 42-year-old quickly realised it summarised how they “always felt”. Shortly after the initial discovery, when they were feeling “settled and secured” with their husband, Ley began to explore their identity “properly”.
Ley explained their husband knew about their sexuality and “accepted it fully”, and it was he who helped “everything click into place” after he sent Ley a song which summed up perfectly how they were feeling.
Originally from West Kirby but now living in Wallasey, Ley told the ECHO : “The biggest difference was coming out to myself and my husband and kids. It allowed me to properly be myself, and let go of the gender norms that I felt were expected of me. It was like a weight being lifted, and that feeling of being able to be yourself is good for the soul. It's hard to pretend to be someone you're not for 38 years.”
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Despite being at a place of happiness and self-acceptance now, it hasn’t always been this way for the businessperson. For nearly four decades, Ley felt “trapped” by society and people’s expectations of what a woman was supposed to be. The former West Kirby Grammar School student said: “I was expected to look and behave a certain way, and it never felt right. That was the trap for me. It's difficult to explain and fully get across. It's like everyone else understands what the world expects of them and it comes naturally to them, their gender role, being a cis man or cis woman (, is easy. They go into a store and head for the clothes in their department and are content with what they find.
"Being outside of a cisgender (person whose identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex), it's not like that. There isn't a department for me. Just like there isn't a department for trans men or trans women. So we try to make ourselves fit into the department society tells us we belong in, never quite feeling like we belong. And everyone else can tell we don't belong. They can't voice why, but they are uncomfortable with us.”
Even now society proves to be a “challenge” for Ley. They claim they are “discriminated against regularly” for their gender and “experience hate on a weekly basis”. Ley recalled being misgendered on numerous occasions while at work but as they tend not to see the other fellow traders and customers again they feel it’s “not worth correcting folk, but it's like a constant drip of mental hurt all day”.
Speaking about some of the ordeals they have faced, they told the ECHO : “People feel like they have a right to question my gender and give me their hate-filled opinions on how I live when I'm just here existing. For example, I asked on a recommendations group online for a barber that accepts non-male customers, as I have been turned away from or ignored by many. It turned into a chance for folks to accuse me of lying about barbers ever turning me away, of causing drama, and being an entitled snowflake for wanting my hair cut.”
Thankfully with the support of her family, Ley managed to “find their department” and others just like them. They added: “It's a massive relief, first of all, then a whole heap of emotions plus some imposter syndrome, but when it does settle and it becomes so natural and normal that ever going back to pretending to be someone else seems impossible.”
Ley shared their story in the hope to inspire others to live life as their true authentic selves. Their dedication to helping others in the LGBTQ+ community hasn’t gone unnoticed as their family-run Wirral confectionary business which specialises in fudge, chocolate and sweets, recently made the shortlist for the Best Small Business award at this year’s North West LGBTQ+ Business Awards.
Asked what it would mean to win, they said: “It would mean the world. We have won a few awards since we started, and we appreciate them all, but this one is special. We try to use our platform for good, to raise awareness of issues that face the LGBTQIA+ community, and to support other small businesses. Most things happen behind the scenes, we don't shout about it, so for our work to be recognised, and to have the additional challenges that we face as an LGBTQIA+ led business recognised, would be everything.
"We don't apologise for who we are as a business, and as individuals. We use our social media platform to bring attention to issues, fundraise for organisations we value, and to educate about things like gender and sexuality, and disability. This is a family business, and we don't hide away.”
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