Working parents can feel they have it tough. They’re supposed to strive to have it all – a successful career and a thriving family life – but all too often, what that really means is working as if they have no children, and parenting as if they have no job.
From finding affordable childcare to functioning on broken sleep, combining work with bringing up children comes with a whole host of challenges. And for many mums, on whom the burdens of juggling work and parenthood still disproportionately fall, it can feel as if the odds are stacked against them.
Thankfully, a group of leading parenting and workplace experts – including the future of work consultant Christine Armstrong, psychologist Emma Kenny, and Daniele Fiandaca, founder of the diversity consultancy Token Man – have come together to share their brilliant insights and recommendations to help.
Their tips, part of landmark research conducted by Maltesers, reveal how mums can advocate for themselves, dads can help shift outdated expectations, and how both can play a part in transforming the working landscape for parents. Here are five of our favourites …
Parent loudly
In some workplaces, talking about parenting and the challenges it can bring is regarded as a sign of weakness. For many working parents, especially mums, this not only means they can’t be their authentic selves at work but can often stop them from fully understanding their maternity and paternity rights.
While employers can and should set the tone and lead by example, employees can also help change the culture. Parenting loudly means being more vocal about your caring responsibilities – whether that’s talking honestly about struggles you’re facing, positively embracing opportunities to work flexible hours, or sharing insights about the changes you’ve been through and new skills you’ve picked up along the way.
For dads, it’s a particularly powerful way to help cut through stereotypically masculine workplace culture and ultimately relieve some of the pressure placed on mums. It won’t be possible or appropriate for everyone to parent loudly, but those who feel able to can make a real difference.
Share the load
A new white paper commissioned by Maltesers, Let’s Lighten the Load, shows that 72% of working mums say they do most or all of the chores and childcare, while only 13% of dads agree that their partners do most or all of these tasks – so something’s not adding up. “I stand by the fact that women tend to take more responsibility for childcare … education … chores and cooking,” says Kenny. “So we’re totally out of kilter here.”
Armstrong points out that the way domestic tasks are often divided up leaves women with “the children’s tea, children’s clothes, school run” while jobs such as the car and insurance fall to men. “It’s like all the women’s stuff has fixed times and has to be done repetitively every day,” she says. “Whereas the men’s stuff is much more like – you can sort the garage out at the weekend.”
The experts recommend drawing up a comprehensive plan to divide up household tasks – everything from making the children’s packed lunches to taking out the bins. This will help to ensure the load is distributed fairly and will also highlight the unseen work women often do. Dads can help by stepping up to claim their share of this invisible load, not just the physical tasks, but the thinking and planning behind them. For instance, don’t just do a food shop when asked – plan a meal, write the list, shop, cook and then wash up.
Be perfectly imperfect
The idea of the perfect mum is all around us, from TV advertising to social media, where influencers post pictures of seemingly angelic children in immaculate homes. Even though we know these glossy images don’t represent reality, they still add to the pressure felt by some working mums, who often also feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children (a feeling sometimes exacerbated by judgment from those around them over their return to work).
The way to combat this, say the experts, is to be a perfectly imperfect mum who is at ease with the fact that nobody is perfect all the time. Armstrong points out how mothers are starting to push back: “You’ve either got Instagram mummies who are total perfection … Then you’ve got those who are like: ‘It’s all falling apart, my house is a mess but everything’s fine, let’s just get over ourselves.’”
Being kind to yourself, as well as to others, and avoiding getting sucked into comparing yourself with those you see on social media will help you remember you’re doing the best you can, say the experts.
Redefine success
Even now, dads are often subject to outdated expectations that they will prioritise their careers over their home lives – that they won’t leave early when their child is ill, take shared parental leave, or work flexibly so they can share childcare with their partner. This can prevent dads from being as involved in family life as they might hope to be and can also perpetuate the challenges faced by many working mums.
Working dads can combat these regressive assumptions by considering what success means for them. Instead of participating in a stereotypically male culture, they can help to redefine the concept of success – for themselves and for those around them – so it encompasses spending time with family and bringing up their children. The more dads who feel able to do this, the more society’s attitudes will start to shift. And as part of this shift, mothers may need to actively support dads who are breaking the mould, to make them feel heard: “Fathers get excluded at the school gate: you hear that a lot,” says Fiandaca. “So they feel lonely because there’s that kind of stigma.” Maybe next time you see a dad standing alone at pickup, you could draw him into the crowd.
Know your rights
Perhaps the most vital way that working parents can make sure they’re receiving the support they’re entitled to at work is to feel comfortable asking about their rights. For this to happen, it’s essential that employers and managers ensure that workplace policies, from parental leave to flexible working, are easy for everyone to access. Beyond this, parents should be able to have open and honest conversations about what they need to thrive. For breastfeeding mums, this could be a clean and private place to pump. In this way, employers will become more aware of the ways they can lighten the load.
For working mums with their eye on a career path, it’s a good idea for them to discuss how they can achieve their ambitions once they become a parent. Kenny is outspoken about the way “the woman who’s working her arse off from home … won’t get noticed”. Mums can also get trapped by the “sticky floor” (which keeps them in a job because of fear of losing the flexibility it offers), or fall foul of part-time perception (where they’re seen as less committed to their job because they work flexibly or part-time). Not everyone is looking to the next promotion, but if you are keen to progress, being clear about your goals is the best way to ensure you’re not overlooked.
MALTESERS® in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and help women thrive. Find out how
Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2023 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730)
