The world may not be ready to hear the truth, but it needs to be shared: Santa Claus is a bad boss. From the little that we know of what goes on Santa’s Workshop, the business practices there make what happens in an Amazon warehouse look like a vacation.
The paternal and omnipotent father-figure of the holiday period commonly known as Santa Claus has spent centuries of his unholy existence carefully manufacturing a harmless and loveable reputation worldwide. Do not fall for it. Here is why:
Why Santa is the worst boss in the world
The seemingly innocent image he has crafted for himself is a lie. A facade that is as real as any other seedy billionaire who pretends to care about helping change the world.
Other figures like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are similarly rich due to the exploitation of their employees and/or disregard for ethical business practises. Yet in comparison to the vile Mr Claus, they are on the top of the Nice List.
So as my Christmas gift to you dearest reader, please learn why Santa’s Workshop is the last place you should send your resume to.
1. Santa only works one day, but gets all the credit
It’s no secret that Santa works very little each year, with his annual timesheet clocking in a grand total of 12-24 hours. This fact alone is a disgraceful sign of his disregard for equality of workload, however it gets worse when we consider how the recognition is dispersed through his team.
As compensation for his measly evening of work, Santa is rewarded with global thanks and not a single thanks is given to the ones who actually put in the hard yards.
Billboards, songs, movies, the whole lot — all used to pump the ego of a boss who is so clearly taking all the credit for his entire staff’s entire year of work all for himself. The boss gets all the glory for none of the effort, despicable.
2. His invasive micro-management style
Nobody likes a boss that’s always breathing down their neck. Micromanaging is unhealthy and adds to creating a toxic workplace, and Santa takes this to an unimaginable new level.
Let’s look at what we have heard alleged about Mr Claus from former employers: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.”
Does this sound like the kind of boss who knows what a good work life balance is, or does it sound like a boss who will be docking your pay for not responding to an email he send you at 2am?
Don’t even get me started on “You better not pout, you better not cry” giving employees no room to show emotion in the workplace.
The only one who “better watch out” is Mr Claus when the elves launch a class action lawsuit.
3. Inhumane workloads for elf employees
While Santa’s minuscule output has already been scrutinised, the expectations he places on his staff are a new problem entirely. The discrepancy in workloads between Santa and his elves is the the exact picture of what Karl Marx said was wrong with capitalism.
Elves are forced day in and day out to build toys and gifts for a population of 8 billion people. Even with the lowest possible present-per-person estimate, this means that Santa’s Workshop is producing 21,978,021 gifts every single day, and only taking December 25 off.
I don’t know how hard it is to build a Barbie Dreamhouse/Playstation 5/Bad Dragon toy from scratch, but I know that even if Santa has 20 million employees cooped up in the North Pole making one gift a day each that this is not just a HR violation, but an Elf Rights violation.
You just know for a fact that Santa makes his workers piss in bottles instead of taking toilet breaks.
GREAT PRIME DAY DEALS AT AMAZON!!!
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) June 21, 2021
Median worker salary = only $29,007!
Hour of minimum-wage labor = only $15!
Annual turnover rate = only 150%!
Unionized employees = [SORRY NONE IN STOCK]
Bottle for drivers to pee in = only $8.99!
CEO's earnings every minute = only $152,207!
4. What do the elves get paid?
While on the topic of Elf Rights, the question of what this supernatural workforce are being paid needs to be addressed. As in, are they???
According to lore, the elves in Santa’s Workshop don’t want to be paid because they love making presents so much. But just because you love what you do doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to financial compensation for the hours spent doing hard labor.
Santa is blatantly breaching the most basic standard of any job — pay — by abusing the obliviousness of his workforce. Some have jokingly called it ‘Santa’s Sweatshop’, but the truth is far worse: Santa is a slave owner.
Additionally, given that the life span of Santa’s elves can reach up to 350-years-old, are they being given superannuation? I imagine retiring at the age of 300 and finding out you have a couple dozen million saved up would be a great way to spend your last five decades.
5. No HR department in sight
We know from films such as The Polar Express and Elf that the North Pole have departments in toy construction, testing, and wrapping, as well as a mailroom for sorting through wish-lists, and agriculture team to tend to the reindeer. One crucial place we do not see is a HR department.
And before you think this isn’t an issue because everyone there is nice, remember the tale of Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer.
One of Santa’s countless essential employees faced discrimination day-by-day, and yet Rudolph had nobody he could make an anonymous complaint to for help. Now I know, Santa did turn Rudolph’s situation around on “one foggy Christmas Eve”, but we must ask ourselves what was his motivation for doing this?
At any point prior he could have helped Rudolph, but he didn’t, because he is an evil creature with no morsel of empathy in his ancient body. Santa only “helped” Rudolph when it was advantageous to him and the company.
I’ve no doubt if he could have ensured Rudolph stayed miserable, he would have done it in a heartbeat (if he had a heart).
6. Santa intentionally drives up inflation
The ultra successful billionaires are hardly ever people who deserve it due to their business genius, and Santa Claus is the most undeserving of all them. If anything, he is a financial terrorist.
Santa’s entire business model depends on creating a product out of thin air, and flooding the market with it. Whenever the market demands more toys, Santa just prints more.
Anyone who knows basic economics knows this is unsustainable and will do nothing but cause inflation to skyrocket. Yet Santa continues this destructive model, year after year, with no care for the damage it causes
We can blame a lot of people for our current cost of living crisis, but none are more deserving of our fury than Santa.
7. Serial tax evasion
The North Pole is a land mass that recognises no formal government. Santa’s Workshop is based in the North Pole. No formal government means no mandated taxation. Add all that up, and Santa is the world’s most serial tax evader.
Throughout this exposé I have referred to Santa as a billionaire, however this may be a wild underestimation of his vast unethically gained wealth.
In truth, we have never seen any of the tax return statements from Santa or any of his business ventures, so we do not know the unholy sum of what he has acquired.
He may be a billionaire, but given his unknown age it is far more likely that he is a trillionaire — at least.
So this year when December 24 rolls around and the whole world anticipates the arrival of the “jolly Father Christmas”, stand strong and resist comrade.
Like all other members of the abusive ruling class, he will pay for his crimes. No more milk and cookies for you Santa, for this Christmas we feast on the rich.
The post OPINION: The Workplace Expectations In Santa’s Workshop Makes Jeff Bezos Look Like A Saint appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
