OPINION - I'm doing sober Christmas and frankly, unless you have to, it's the worst thing ever

I’m sober-not-by-choice this year (I'm pregnant) and here to offer a rebuttal to all those who evangelise on the joys of sobriety at Christmas. It might work at other times of year but like most people, prior to this one, I’d long consigned alcohol-free Christmases to the same dustbin as Tough Mudder and wild swimming. What’s the point? Now, with first hand experience, I can confirm that festive sobriety is just as boring and futile as an eleven mile assault course on Clapham Common (and can be just as confronting as a wintertime dip in the Thames).

I’ve so far endured three Christmas parties, two festive lunches and even a twinkly winter wedding — all sober as a judge while everyone around me became gleeful, Champagne-charged versions of themselves. I’m not saying I had a bad time, it’s just that, if I’m going to debate the merits of a ceasefire in Gaza with a man who's got a tie around his head (as happened at the tail end of one lunch) then I’d rather be a bit drunk. One thoughtful lunch host did sit me between a recovering alcoholic and a person on Ozempic. “I can’t drink at the risk of sh****** myself,” the Ozempian told me, “but I have lost 15lbs” — by the end of the meal we’d all developed a lovely sense of camaraderie.