Off Campus is a global hit because it is a perfect, horny show, and I won’t hear a word against it

‘Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov walked so Garrett Graham could fly’ … Belmont Cameli (R) as Garrett with Ella Bright (Hannah) in Off Campus. Photograph: Liane Hentscher/Netflix

In the past few years, the world has destroyed my interest in surprises. I can’t do thrillers. I don’t want suspense. I don’t even like it when ads don’t show the product until the end. I want to know exactly what’s going to happen at all times, which is why I just rewatch Gilmore Girls (eight times), New Girl (six) and Parks and Recreation ( … 17).

So it was with some trepidation that I started watching Off Campus. A twentysomething friend recommended it. “It’s ruined sex for me forever,” she yelled in my face. “I can’t stop yearning. I’ll never be happy again.”