Sleepless nights, overwhelming guilt and a fear-driven urge to hurl dire warnings at parents putting their kids in out-of-school care.
That is the heart-wrenching result of David William James' child abuse as described by the mother of one of his victims.
The 27-year-old took explicit photos and videos of children younger than 10 while working at six out-of-school centres in Sydney's north and city centre between April 2021 and May 2024.
Australian Federal Police tracked James down in June 2024 after linking him to child abuse material on the dark web.
He pleaded guilty in December to 11 charges related to the production and possession of child abuse material, including doing a sexual act with children to produce child sex abuse material.
On Friday, a victim's mother told Sydney's Downing Centre District Court the lives of her family were "irreversibly changed" when they were contacted by the AFP.
"I remember the weeks of torment for my husband and I ... and the mix of horror and fear when we were informed about what Mr James had done," the mother revealed in a victim impact statement on Friday.
"The pain I feel knowing that I am no longer the parent and wife I used to be is horrible."
She described crippling anxiety about her children's safety and the inner turmoil of wanting to warn other parents but not identify her child as a victim of abuse.
"Part of me wants to scream at them," she wrote.
"I look the other way and hold it all in."
She continues to ask herself whether she misread signs her child was trying to tell her about the abuse, explaining she remains "racked by guilt".
"Every day there is another trigger, another reminder and I cannot escape from any of them," she wrote.
James, a failed police officer, was employed by NSW Police in a civilian capacity at the same time he was abusing children in his care.
NSW Police said it was unaware of his work in the childcare sector, which included casual employment at nearly 60 centres, while he was employed by the force.
James stared straight ahead as he dialled into the courtroom from a custody cell wearing his prison greens.
He watched as lawyers argued over the admissibility of notes the 27-year-old had hand-written to the court claiming he was a victim of abuse.
Crown prosecutor Peter Lowe said the offender's submissions, which include material about hardship in custody, were not supported by evidence.
"Ultimately some of the information provided by the offender raises more questions than provides answers," he said.
But abuse was often unreported and could be considered in sentencing proceedings without being thoroughly tested, James's barrister Jeremy Etkind argued.
He cautioned against cross-examining James on his claims.
"It would in effect be putting James in the witness box for cross-examination for ... abuse, which is totally undesirable", Mr Etkind said.
"It would in effect be conducting a mini trial."
