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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Lifestyle
Osman Yousefzada

‘Nothing prepares you for the moment’: Osman Yousefzada on the death of his mother

‘I catch myself feeling jealous of people who haven’t yet lived through this kind of loss’: Osman Yousefzad in Birmingham.
‘I catch myself feeling jealous of people who haven’t yet lived through this kind of loss’: Osman Yousefzad in Birmingham. Photograph: Suki Dhanda/The Observer

I was holding the belt and we were lowering her down. Mum was in her coffin. There were two pairs of hands holding on to each of the four grey straps. We were her pall bearers: me, my elder brother, her nephews through marriage, and her cousin – her maternal uncle’s son. We slid the straps through the faux-metal handles on the oak coffin. I can’t remember if it was veneer or solid, but we began moving the wooden slats the casket had been sitting on. Mum was suspended now.

I was worried. I had recently hurt my shoulder, but had been doing exercises routinely, so when the time came my grip would be steady. She came to rest on a mixture of wet clay and pebbled stones. The sides of the chamber had been poured with concrete. There are two types of graves on offer in England. An earthen dug grave we describe as a katchi kabar, and the other, a solid lined grave described as pakhi. Our preferred choice was the pakhi, a Hindustani/Urdu word that crept into colonial speak.

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