Just like last year, Nikki Glaser came through swinging with the celebrity roasts in her 2026 Golden Globes opening monologue. And just like clockwork, the beloved comedian has revealed all the jokes that didn’t make the cut and why.
It’s without a doubt that Glaser dishes up the most savage jokes. Honestly, I’m still reeling from her Leonardo DiCaprio bit where she clowns the Titanic actor and his dating decisions.
“What a career you’ve had. The most impressive thing is that you’ve been able to accomplish all of this before your girlfriend turned 30,” Glaser said, referring to DiCaprio’s love life.
But just like 2025, it turns out Glaser had a buttload of brutal jabs that she unfortunately had to nix.
Taking The Howard Stern Show on Sirius XM, the 41-year-old comedian spilled all the tea on the jokes, roasts, and call-outs she had to cut.
What jokes did Nikki Glaser cut from her 2026 Golden Globes monologue?
Sydney Sweeney’s box office flop
“Tonight is a night of celebration, but we can’t ignore that it’s a weird time in Hollywood. People just aren’t going to the theatre to see things,” Glaser began.
“If you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours and it made $14.”
For those who don’t understand the joke, she’s referencing Sweeney’s Christy, a biopic of trailblazing boxer Christy Martin, which unfortunately only grossed USD $1.3 million (approx. AUD $2 million) across the US in its opening weekend, per Forbes.
Glaser nixed this one after learning Sweeney wouldn’t be present for the ceremony.
AI actress Tilly Norwood
“You know, everyone’s concerned about AI. Tilly Norwood is the first star to be completely generated by AI and somehow has still been sexually assaulted by three different studio execs,” Glaser shared, referencing the controversy surrounding Tilly Norwood as the first AI actress, as well as the problematic working conditions of the entertainment industry.
Several Sean Penn jabs
During her reading of the “Stern file” (AKA her nixed Golden Globes jokes), Glaser revealed she made a joke about Sean Penn‘s “neck veins”. In another joke, she described him as a “defiant last tree standing in a rainforest”.
She then revealed she didn’t pull these jokes out of the vault, as she didn’t want to upset the actor. Instead, she complimented Penn for “slowly morphing into a sexy leather handbag”.
Another Leonardo DiCaprio jab
Of course, Glasser didn’t have just one joke for DiCaprio. In this axed zinger, Glaser explained the actor “always looked like he was squinting” before alluding it back to his controversial love life.
“Leo, why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID. Just making sure that the year starts with a two,” she joked.
Amy Poehler and “good hang”
“Amy Poehler is here for her podcast, Good Hang, which is what Timothée Chalamet says after sex,” Glaser shared.
Julia Roberts
In this shelved banger, Glaser took aim at Julia Roberts‘ nomination for After The Hunt.
“I don’t know what it’s about but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it,” Glaser joked, which sent Howard Stern into stitches.
Jonathan Bailey and his Sexiest Man Alive status
OFC, in 2025, the timeline was thrown into a tizzy when Wicked‘s Jonathan Bailey was awarded PEOPLE‘s Sexiest Man Alive, making him the first openly gay man to recieve the title.
Naturally, Glaser had to make a mark of that.
“Jonathan Bailey is the first openly gay man to be named the sexiest man alive by PEOPLE magazine,” Glaser began.
“At first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say openly?’ And then I looked at the list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.'”
Jeff Goldblum’s attendance at the Golden Globes
Bailey wasn’t the only Wicked star who was bound to get a jab from Glaser. The comedian revealed she was gearing up to throw some bantz at certified zaddy Jeff Goldblum his Apartments.com partnership.
“Jeff Goldblum is here tonight. Not because he’s nominated, just because they were shooting an ad for Apartments.com down the street and he just kind of wandered in,” she joked.
Brad Pitt’s age
Alongside Glaser’s constant jabs at DiCaprio and the age of his love interests, the comedian was also going to throw some shade at Brad Pitt and his role as a race car driver in F1.
“Brad Pitt is nominated for his role in F1 tonight. See, that’s what I love about Hollywood,” Glaser began.
“When a man turns 60, he gets to play a race car driver. Meanwhile, after 35 every role for a woman is tired mom who hates her life.”
Reflecting on her treaure trove, called the “Stern File”, the comedian admitted it wasn’t always easy for her to let go of jokes. However, she’s now learned that “things do live on in someway and maybe sometimes a joke is just for the room”.
“There’s been times where jokes have really hurt people’s feelings or I’ve gone too far and I feel like I am always okay with losing stuff now,” Glaser explained.
“You just don’t get everything you want and you just gotta move on and let’s just write a better joke.”
While I do adore the Jonathan Bailey and Brad Pitt gags, Glaser 2026 Golden Globes monologue had banger after the banger.
Like, how could we forget the Jeffrey Epstein gag! Had us shook and cackling!
The post Nikki Glaser Reveals All The Brutal Jokes She Nixed From Her 2026 Golden Globes Monologue appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
