Imagine you are nearing the end of running the London Marathon. You can see the finish line. Your muscles are screaming at you to put them out of their misery. Your toenails are beginning to detach themselves from your toes after hours of pounding the capital's streets. You are craving a comfy sofa, foot massage and a kebab. With 600 metres to go, you notice that someone has dug a pit and filled it with hungry crocodiles.
At the 500-metre mark there is a wall of barbed wire on fire. If you can manage to forge your way through those two impediments, at the 300 mark you encounter a group of angry Vikings who are looking to have a tear-up. What I am describing in tortuous detail is the equivalent of Tottenham Hotspur's run in of games as the 2023-24 Premier League season reaches its denouement.
To triumph over our rivals and push the title out of reach will give me an injection of smugness
With a scheduling nightmare equivalent to the departures board at Euston station, us Tottenham fans are looking at a decidedly dicey end to the season. Winning the league is a marathon not a sprint, and even though we have no chance of lifting the Premier League trophy (anytime soon you might say), we could end up deciding who does. Our last six games include Manchester City, Liverpool and this coming Sunday at 2pm the most anticipated one of them all: Arsenal.
It is all we have left to play for, the chance to put Arsenal's title hopes to bed. To deliver the coup de grace to Mikel Arteta's ambitions for this season and avoid having to evade all our Arsenal mates for the next six months at least. This year marks two decades since that lot from Woolwich last won the title, and hopefully Big Ange's high-line marauding clan of lilywhite warriors can make sure their wait continues.
Like an uncle who loves saying inappropriate things turning up at a christening, an uninvited ex gatecrashing their former partner's wedding day, or a teenager's parents turning up to their school prom, my beloved Tottenham are hoping to ruin Arsenal fans' Premier League party. To triumph over our great rivals, at home, and make sure we push the title tantalisingly out of their reach will give me a much-needed injection of smugness.
As the former Celtic manager Ange Postecoglou is used to big footballing rivalries, he will know how much the North London Derby means to both sets of fans. If we win, I will be enveloped in glorious robes of unrivalled joy. The words "Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur" will ring out across north London, and I will be WhatsApping all the Gooners I know to rub salt, lemon juice and chilli flakes into their wounds. You might say that it is unbecoming of me to relish the defeat of our rivals in such vulgar ways but for the neutral observer you have to understand how much pain and humiliation that club has heaped upon me over the years.
This is the culmination of Big Ange's first season in charge, and what a season it has been
When a Bayern Munich containing two former Spurs players Harry Kane and Eric Dier recently knocked them out of the Champions League, I celebrated as if I had scored the winning goal. Does the Arsenal football team live rent-free in my head? No, but their fans live rent-free in my phone contacts, and in my Instagram DMs after every loss we suffer at their feet.
Our record at home, though, is a strong one, with us having lost just two of our past 15 home games against Arsenal. In May 2022 my son and I were there to witness a resounding 3-0 victory, and I am hanging on to those memories as we approach the weekend, and happily glossing over the subsequent two losses and a draw since then.
As Sunday's huge game looms ever closer all Spurs fans will have hope and pride in our hearts while being draped in a cloak of trepidation. This is the culmination of Big Ange's first season in charge, and what a season it has been. The straight-talking Aussie will make sure that the boys give their absolute all for the badge, the club and the fans.
Last September, I hosted a fans' forum for the club and to a chorus of cheers the chairman of the club Daniel Levy said, while looking at Big Ange, "We've got our Tottenham back." On Sunday I want to see us back to winning ways and Arsenal put back in their box.
