It’s funny how people ask you about the general health of your golf in the same kind of compassionate and concerned way they’d enquire about, say, Auntie Doreen and her hiatus hernia.
Someone posed such a question to me recently – about my golf that is, not Doreen’s abdominal affliction – and I responded by saying it was floating somewhere between a complete farce and a total fiasco.
In a media outing not so long ago, we were provided with caddies. Now, while I appreciate the diligence, nous, pearls of wisdom and unwavering patience of these valuable golfing companions, I’ve never been keen on actually having one.
For a start, it’s just another set of eyes peering on and scrutinising the unfolding incompetence. And secondly, they’ll ask outrageously specific golfy things like, “how far do you hit your 7-iron?” as we weigh up yet another salvage operation.
Given that I operate in vague vicinities rather than precise yardages, you’d probably get a more definitive answer from a ruddy goose if you asked it about the Riemann hypothesis.
In the ceaseless quest for improvement, I’d pondered getting a lesson, but I tend to find that the inevitable result of any tutorial from a qualified professional is the instant elimination of the one critical, unconscious motion that somehow allows me to compensate for all my many other technical faults, quirks and absurdities.
It's onwards and sideways. And perhaps backwards? At least we don’t have to earn a living from playing this flabbergasting game.
For the Scottish women on the Ladies European Tour, meanwhile, the 2024 campaign has been a bit of a sair fecht as the circuit heads to its final event of the year in Spain later this month.
There were only a couple of full card holders anyway and if you have a trawl through the order of merit, you’ll be scrawling down for a while before you reach a saltire. Go on, keep going. No, down a bit more. Just a wee bit more. Ah, there we are.
Kylie Henry, a double winner on the tour back in 2014, is the best of the very sma’ bunch at 131st, while Laura Beveridge is languishing in 140th spot. They are destined to return to the grim rigmarole of the qualifying school.
There won’t be any tartan graduates from the second-tier Ladies European Tour Access Series to bolster numbers either, with Hannah McCook leading the way at No 49 but well out of the promotion mix.
Louise Duncan, who underlined her promise by finishing 10th as an amateur among the world’s best in the 2021 AIG Women’s Open, is back in 51st place as she continues to adapt to the rigours of professional life.
While Solheim Cup player Gemma Dryburgh is well established across the pond on the LPGA Tour, the lack of depth – not for the first time – is something of a concern.
Yes, there are some terrific home-grown talents in the unpaid scene, like Curtis Cup duo Hannah Darling and Lorna McClymont, but, as we all know, amateur dramatics are no guarantee of sustained success on the professional stage.
We were spoiled, of course, by Catriona Matthew’s trailblazing triumphs and wonderful longevity yet that same pre-eminence has only highlighted the toils of the next generation.
“If people knew what more could be done, I think it would be being done,” said Matthew, when asked back in the summer if there had been enough done to build on her great legacy.
Golf’s various custodians continue to make a big push on the female front with the kind of recruitment drive that could be accompanied by a finger-pointing Kitchener poster.
The high command at Scottish Golf, for instance, have set a target of increasing the number of female members at domestic clubs by 15 per cent come 2027.
In an evolving, challenging industry, it’s an ambitious plan. Compared to the rest of Europe, Scotland’s female membership rates have always been embarrassingly low.
A former chief executive of the Ladies European Tour once described the figures as “shocking” and made the cradle of the game resemble “a developing country.”
There is plenty of scope for, well, development. The huge female market has considerable potential if it can be tapped into.
Speak to any club professional who is trying to boost the women’s game in their own backyard, and they’ll tell you that. They’ll also tell you that keeping young girls interested in golf ain’t easy.
“Very rarely does a girl, who hasn’t got a family member here, stick at it,” suggested the Portlethen head pro David Pocock, who has helped nurture a flourishing female section at the Aberdeenshire club over the last couple of years.
“That’s why the family aspect is so important for golf going forward.”
For years, many clubs in Scotland treated women with downright hostility. Ignoring half the population was never going to be a sound development plan.
In recent years, of course, concerted efforts have been made to make golf more attractive to the good ladies of all ages. There’s still a lot of catching up to do, though.
As long as young girls are coming into the game at the grassroots, then there’s always hope of some green shoots and a healthier future … at all levels.
Now, how’s Doreen and that hiatus hernia?
