You’ll not be interested in the slightest to know that I was at the dentist recently for some toothy titivation which seemed to go on for so long, it resembled Fred Dibnah chiselling away at the bricks of a disused chimney. It certainly felt like it.
Anyway, the reason I’m bringing the auld gnashers into this week’s wafflings is that I was listening to a Lee Westwood interview the other day and he was reflecting on a pearl of wisdom that Peter Alliss had passed on to him many years ago
“First and foremost, Peter said to me, ‘get your teeth fixed’, which I did do eventually,” said Westwood. “I got some veneers on.”
Now, every time I hear the word ‘veneers’ I shudder at the thought of an old colleague who travelled to a far-flung destination for some cut-price dentistry and returned home with a set of teeth so jaw-droppingly bright, it was like staring into the very centre of a thermonuclear blast.
Unfortunately for him, the slap-dash work quickly unravelled and he was left with a row of unsightly, stubby fangs that looked like a badly carved tumshie lantern.
One presumes Westwood’s own veneers were made of sterner and more expensive stuff. They need to be in this game.
Let’s face it, the infuriating, bamboozling quirks and downright absurdities of golf can leave us all grinding said teeth into powdered stumps.
So, what are we getting those teeth – or what’s left of them – into this week?
Well, I was going to lament the fact that we’re still only in August and all the majors, both men’s and women’s, are already a distant memory.
In tennis, for instance, they're gearing up for the US Open later this month. In golf, though, they’re all done and dusted before you can say, ‘what the hell has happened to your teeth?’
The LPGA Tour schedule even had a run featuring three majors in four events as the showpiece occasions were crowbarred into a gasping sprint to the finish.
But I’ve banged on about all this major scheduling lark before, and I don’t want you to get bored with me. Or, at least, more bored than usual.
We’ll move on, then, to LIV Golf. Feel free to stifle a yawn. You may have noticed that the top brass at the breakaway league announced that they had sourced a new, unnamed lead investor to keep the circuit going into 2027 and beyond.
As ever, the actual detail of the deal was thinner than a worn strip of dental floss. The Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund (PIF) had ploughed over $5 billion into the rebel tour since 2022 but stated back in April that it would be pulling the plug on that eye-watering funding.
The new arrangement has been seen by some as a lifeline for LIV. Or is it just tossing more money at something that has just about flatlined?
Many of you, of course, didn’t give two hoots about LIV in the first place. I know this because I received one or two letters from folk telling me exactly what they thought of it.
They also included a couple of detailed diagrams showing me where I could shove the columns I wrote on LIV.
But I digress. When LIV muscled its way onto the scene, it roared about a new vision for golf.
It was bold and brash and LIV effectively declared war on the established tours with its unlimited resources which sparked an unseemly arms race.
The men’s professional scene became consumed by division, rancour, sportswashing, greed and entitlement, while wallowing in quite unprecedented and unhinged riches.
Some folk didn’t just have their snouts in the trough. They had their front bloomin’ trotters in it.
Was it worth all the hassle? I’ll let you decide. With the PGA Tour and the DP World Tour recently unveiling a kiss and make up deal with the Asian Tour, LIV, which previously had an alliance with the Asian circuit, has found itself largely isolated.
With some of it leading lights jumping ship in recent months – more could follow - you have to wonder what space in the golfing market LIV thinks it will fill moving forward?
Bryson DeChambeau, LIV’s most valuable asset and a strong believer in its defiant operation, probably thinks he can fill the void himself.
Yes, LIV has built up a robust following on the ground in places like South Africa and Australia but a scaled back league – it’s being reduced to 10 events for 2027 – is not quite the game-changing model of the original vision.
Many of those disruptive claims were made by the circuit’s initial chief executive, Greg Norman, who waded into the battle with considerable gusto and relished the fight.
A couple of years before leading the LIV line, Norman, who still possesses the teeth, the tan and the tone that would make Adonis look like Les Dawson after an all-inclusive to Margate, boasted about his family’s longevity.
“I’ve been very open about the fact I want to be the longest-living Norman,” he declared triumphantly. “I’d like to hit 108, 110.”
In the same, broad brushstrokes interview, Norman added that clattering a “pure golf shot” was as good “as having an orgasm”.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take your word for that, Greg. As for the LIV dream he vigorously championed? Well, it continues to head towards a bit of an, ahem, anti-climax.
