The first work relationship I ever had nearly destroyed four people. We all broke at different times. My boyfriend broke first, because I was being chased by a superior colleague at work who was married, but separating (he said), and I’d believed him. I thought this man was more like me than anyone I’d ever met until I realised I didn’t want to be anything like him. When my boyfriend found out about the affair, he was heartbroken.
The colleague’s wife broke next; they were not separating and despite what he’d told me, he hadn’t moved out of their house. I was next, when I came to understand that and had to walk away. He was last but broke the most dangerously in some ways. Hundreds of missed calls, messages and uninvited turn-ups at my flat were common. The only respite for any or maybe all of us was that he and I didn’t have to work together anymore — I was already leaving when he started to tell me he was in love with me, although now I was just working remotely and we were in each other’s lives more than ever. He called every day when he got to his desk, the office the place he was now the least watched but most distracted without me there, ironically, and our sly lunches or sneaky, rushed drinks after work became long, pining calls and promises.
Workplace relationships are often tempting — we spend most of our time at work and so especially when we’re single, it’s easiest to meet someone like-minded there — but they might have just become less appealing. Last month the oil giant BP announced that it was tightening its rules on them after it was revealed that its former chief executive Bernard Looney had committed “serious misconduct” by failing to disclose details of his own, and it’s likely other corporates will follow.
Yet the way BP is handling the backlog is by essentially making its employees backdate their in-office body count by three years. “Body count”, the way Gen Z now describe the figure for how many people they’ve slept with, is about the most intimate thing you can ask someone — and now you’d have to tell HR if you didn’t want to face a disciplinary. Shudder. Plus, when so many workplace relationships are affairs, the likelihood of exposure would be risked and careers ruined over mistakes.
When my own affair surfaced, the number of people who had been having them also did... they were everywhere
When my own workplace affair surfaced, the number of people who had been, or were still, having them also did. I found I had a new, gaydar-style skill at seeing infidelity. Infidelidar? And Christ, there was every kind. A married senior strategist sleeping with someone who was then made to work from home before that was a thing. Three people in the same department as me: two failed and bitter affairs (men, married) and another who’d left her husband for a man in the office. There were flings and kisses and cheating and serious attempts at relationships. They were everywhere. And we know it’s not confined to one industry.
Toby Ingham, a psychotherapist based near Oxford, said work relationships are a natural consequence of people spending extended time together. “Often our work communities are our biggest friendship groups,” he explains. “But office romance is not without its perils and if there are differences in managerial level or responsibility then other complications can’t be ruled out. We might like to think that they can be managed, but we can’t predict how they will play out. They can create favouritism, interfere with confidentiality issues, and complicate social dynamics on top of being a distraction.”
BP said the update to its conflict of interest policy was scheduled for review this year. Do I wish there were better rules in place to protect me years ago? Of course. The problem is that there might have been if I’d been allowed at the time — not far too late — to understand how manipulated into it I’d been by a superior, who probably should have been fired. It was very damaging for quite a long time.
Dr Limor Gottlieb agrees there are several psychological reasons why workplace romances are attractive and almost inevitable. “They provide novelty which induces dopamine, the reward chemical, which makes us crave and pursue someone. Then the excitement of sneaking around and the forbidden nature of the relationship can act as an aphrodisiac and enhance sex appeal. Familiarity and proximity, as well as similarity, all play a role in developing feelings of attraction, so the workplace is a breeding ground for it. Achieving together can lead to deep emotional connection.”
I was dating one man at work, when I began to like another colleague... I left one for the other, not realising they sat back-to-back
I went on to have two more workplace relationships in my next job, an even tougher gig where the shared stress of the grind was even more bonding. I started dating someone in a different department and this time we were both single and they were my own age. I also now got a lift to work. Our first real problem only came along when I began to like a colleague superior in role to him and eventually left one for the other, not realising they sat back-to-back on their side of the office. Now the conflict of interest was almost among them alone and I was sorry for it, that they had to work together more closely than I had to with either of them and the first guy had to now watch me getting a lift home with the second. These were my generation rent years and I’d moved in with one, and then the other. Less fun was the fact that the first guy occasionally had to bring my post to me at my desk. Awkwardness raged.
“Managing break-ups in the workplace requires careful planning and professionalism,” says Dr Gottlieb. ‘I would advise planning an exit strategy and mutually agreeing on how to communicate the break-up to colleagues to prevent gossip because work relationships can generate significant stress and anxiety. The need to keep the relationship a secret (if the couple feels they do) can be mentally taxing, with constant worry about being discovered or how the relationship could impact one’s career. To alleviate the pressure, prioritise open communication and setting clear boundaries. Regular check-ins and honest conversations about the impact of the relationship on work can help mitigate misunderstandings and reduce stress.”
“We can’t predict where Cupid’s arrows will land but if you find yourself falling for a work colleague I think the simplest thing would be to be open, if discreet about it, and possibly to leave,” says Toby Ingham. “Your careers and the relationship will probably have a better chance of working and no one will be able to accuse you of doing something underhand later.”
Did I do any of that at the time? No. Would I now — if I ever had an office relationship (or an office) again? Yes.
“Transparency about feelings and expectations is also crucial,” adds Dr Gottlieb. “Establishing clear distinctions between work and personal time, as well as maintaining professional behaviour at work helps manage these dual roles effectively.
“This includes avoiding public displays of affection and ensuring personal issues do not interfere with work responsibilities and, of course, adhering to company policy can significantly reduce the stress.”
