Our eldest just started university. We have provided every conceivable support up to now, and also committed to shouldering accommodation costs for the next three years. I didn’t go into higher education when young (I gained BSc and MSc a couple of years ago) but I’m now realising how much support many children get throughout their education and I can’t help but reflect on the lack of parental support and guidance I received from my family.
I’m in my late 40s and my parents divorced when I was very young. My parents did not go to university themselves but in the postwar years had opportunities to train and gained professional careers.
I did very well at school but a combination of factors saw me drop out of A-levels at 16 – wrong subjects, unfamiliar environment and social anxiety. I’m still struggling to understand why my parents did not intervene. They just seemed to leave it up to me to find my own way and abdicated any responsibility.
I would like to talk to them (individually, they don’t speak to each other unless necessary) and find out why they did not do more. I want to understand their perspectives but I also want them to know how this has negatively affected my life (I’m still paying off student debt, but back then tuition was free. I had to take years out of my career to gain my degrees). I did not have a terrible childhood. I know they loved me and had their own challenges in life but I can’t help feeling that they failed me as a child. Do I speak to them about it?
There’s nothing like becoming a parent to become both more judgmental, and/or more appreciative, of one’s own parents (sometimes simultaneously), and it’s often when our own children reach an age we found difficult that memories come flooding back as we realise things could have been different.
I went to psychotherapist Murray Blacket who thought that “there are so many opportunities for different subjects to study these days, and these can be mind-boggling and dazzling.” It’s easy to compare now with then. I wonder if your parents felt “dazzled” by the options back then, in comparison to the ones they themselves had? I wonder if they felt they were helping you to find your own feet rather than being too prescriptive? If this sounds like I’m on your parents’ side, I’m not. But context is important because it’s entirely natural to remember things subjectively, especially from childhood, not always realising that parents did the best they could with what they perceived they had. Wouldn’t that be a better narrative to discover than they didn’t engage with you because … what? You didn’t matter to them?
I wonder what it is you feel you lack? Money? Status? What would a different path through life have looked like and how far are you from that, really? From where Blacket and I are it seems you have done many good things in your life, including going back to study. But perhaps it’s frustrating to feel you had to get there all on your own? It’s wonderful that you have chosen to be more engaged with your own children.
Blacket wondered if this was all about education or if it’s a more palatable wrapper for other emotions, such as the aforementioned “how much did I matter to them?”. Did you feel supported in other ways?
What also happens is that, growing up, we can feel everything is our fault; children internalise as a way of surviving. The idea that if they just try harder they can make everything OK – in adulthood this can translate into overachieving. As we get older we realise that parents make mistakes, they may have failed us, they may not have been good enough. We often do this once we get to a safe place, where our dependence on our parents starts to wane.
Blacket and I both thought you should individually talk to your parents; as he said, “you have the perfect conversation-starter now. Don’t go in there with ‘why didn’t you support me more’, but maybe start with something like ‘so X [grandchild] has just gone off to uni, what was life like around the time I was that age? What do you remember about why I didn’t go?’ Asking for more information isn’t going to make you ungrateful but it might help you to understand better.”
Also be careful to not overcompensate with your child now, tempting when you feel you were failed. Supporting is one thing but paying for everything isn’t going to help them prepare for independent life.
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