I had my first child around one year ago and the previously amicable and warm relationship with my mother-in-law has since become cool and standoffish. I feel my mother-in-law is emotionally manipulative and puts a lot of pressure on my husband, and in turn me, to spend time with my daughter. I think these feelings initiated for me when she was too present in our home in the first hours and days of my daughter coming home. On reflection, it feels as though she was invading a space that was very private and intimate at a time when I was exhausted, sore and vulnerable and unable to hold my boundaries myself. Since then I have been resentful and felt she was taking advantage of my exhaustion to get intimate time with her newborn granddaughter, as opposed to respecting what was the right thing for me. I now feel a need to keep her at arm’s length for fear she will again overstep.
My husband is supportive but ultimately feels pulled by his mother’s emotional manipulation. All in all, she is a kind woman, and I don’t think she will have even considered that her behaviour was an overstep. I don’t really know where to go from here, as I do want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother, but I also don’t want my mother-in-law being involved in as many aspects of my life as I know she desires. What can I do?
Eleanor says: I’m going to do something you mightn’t expect and that’s to posit a different interpretation of your mother-in-law. That’s not because I think she’s entitled to be a big part of your life – she isn’t. Nor is it because I think she isn’t being manipulative – she might be. It’s because it’s also possible she doesn’t realise the effect she’s having on you.
You say she’s generally kind, that it wouldn’t have occurred to her that her behaviour was an overstep. It sounds like the problem is the quantity rather than the quality of time she wants: she doesn’t realise how badly it affects you that she wants this level of enmeshment.
Of course, she should recognise that. She should have let you lead the way as the child’s parent, and she should have been alive enough to the tropes about pushy mothers-in-law to double-check her intuitions about how much you’d want her around. But nobody likes to wonder whether they’re a trope. And if you’ve historically had a warm relationship, I can see how she’d make the mistake of assuming it’s helpful to have her around. Generation, culture, class – lots of things lead us to different assumptions about how much parents should be involved.
This is not, to be clear, to suggest you face an easier problem if she’s unaware of how she’s affecting you than if she were flatly disregarding it. Either way you have to figure out how to not feel overrun and how to handle this with your husband. Those are hard, big tasks.
But if we want her to respect the right thing for you, we might have to make sure she’s maximally well-equipped to know what that is. (Even though yes, she should have asked.)
The natural place to start is with your husband. Is he comfortable with her, even just a little more so than you? If so, it might be beneficial for him to be clearer with her about what would help. And what wouldn’t. “Maybe you come by tomorrow instead?”; “It’s really helpful when you come over at lunchtime, but after that the baby needs her nap time.”
He might feel guilty doing that. You mention her manipulation and pressure. Sometimes – and this doesn’t make it less painful to experience – people don’t know they have this effect. A baby can be a source of identity for a new grandparent, the most exciting thing: “I want to see the baby all the time!” We don’t always realise these intense displays of need can feel like blackmail: like it’s your job to not deprive her of the possible joy on offer.
It’s important for breaking the cycle that you and your husband can tolerate causing disappointment. Whether she means to use her disappointment as a cudgel, or she’s just too liberal with showing it, you’ll only get your peace back if you can see that disappointment as hers to manage.
With an infant to care for, you have enough to manage. Let your husband and his mother manage her feelings.
• This letter has been edited for length.
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