When Karina F. Daves, a relationship coach, found herself in a situation where she was earning four times more than her husband, it was a shift that many could relate to. As the primary breadwinner, she saw her partner struggling with feelings of insecurity and jealousy, a situation that led them to seek therapy.
Daves, who balanced her career as a social worker and a regional manager at a tech company, turned her experience into her podcast, "One Day at a Time." This platform, which she launched in April 2020 and created to address women's challenges in balancing work, relationships, and personal growth.
She continued to work as a regional manager of employee experience at a tech company while managing her coaching practice, producing a podcast, maintaining a successful social media presence, and generating additional income.
Navigating Income Disparity In A Relationship
Daves' income had quadrupled within the past few years, surpassing her husband's earnings. The sudden change in their financial situation led to adjustments within their family. When Terrance and Daves first met, Terrance was employed as a master auto technician at Nissan, specialising in diagnosing and repairing vehicle problems.
Daves was a social worker at the time. When they married 11 years ago, Terrance's income exceeded Daves'. "I feel like something big is coming, and when it comes, you're going to have to retire from this industry that you love," Daves told Terrance about five years after they tied the knot.
"It is really breaking your body down. When the time comes, you've got to prepare for that — heartwise, male ego-wise," She added. She also shared a dream she had, envisioning herself achieving great success in her career while Terrance focused on caring for their two young children.
Several years later, after a decade of working as a social worker, Daves was offered the opportunity to transition into the tech industry. Within 15 minutes of her interview, she received a job offer.
Overjoyed, she rushed upstairs to share the news with Terrance, declaring that this was the moment they had anticipated. Both emotionally overwhelmed, they realised that Terrance would need to leave his job to accommodate Daves' new career path.
Balancing full-time jobs and childcare responsibilities proved challenging for Daves and Terrance. As Daves had been primarily responsible for dropping off and picking up their children from school, Terrance decided that the only way to achieve a more flexible work schedule was to accept a lower-paying job.
This decision was acceptable to Daves, as her new salary was sufficient to cover their household expenses. Terrance accepted a position in the facilities department at Princeton University, which offered a salary half of what he had earned in his previous salaried role.
It is not uncommon for individuals to experience feelings of shame or disappointment when relying on financial support from others, especially in later life.
A 39-year-old woman, Alyse Benoit, who received financial assistance from her widowed mother, expressed her sense of guilt about being financially dependent on her parents at her age. However, such feelings are a natural reaction in many situations.
A Shared Financial Approach
Despite Daves' higher income, the couple has maintained a joint financial approach since their marriage 11 years ago. All earnings are combined into a single pool, and economic decisions are made collaboratively. This practice has remained consistent even after Daves became the primary breadwinner.
Despite their shared financial approach, Terrance admitted that he had struggled with feelings of jealousy towards Daves. A few months after Daves accepted the tech job, Terrance confided in her that he was seeking therapy to address the challenges he was experiencing with the transition.
Daves and Terrance emphasised the importance of open communication in navigating their relationship. They realised that while their marriage and partnership were crucial, they also needed to acknowledge their desires and aspirations. This led them to prioritise supporting each other in achieving their personal goals.
Confronting Jealousy: Questions For Self-Reflection
While Daves and Terrance's journey highlights the challenges and rewards of navigating income disparity in a relationship, addressing the underlying emotions that may arise in such situations is crucial. If you find yourself feeling jealous of your partner's career success, consider asking yourself the following questions:
1. What does this feeling reveal about your underlying emotions and needs?
It is essential to recognize that jealousy amplifies existing issues rather than causes them. If you're experiencing jealousy, it might indicate that deeper problems within your relationship are becoming more apparent due to the new circumstances.
"It's unlikely that you have a very happy, healthy relationship, and then someone gets a promotion, and then things suddenly fall apart. It's likely that exacerbates what is already going on in the relationship," Dr Rebekah Shallcross, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Feminist Therapy Center, specialising in therapy informed by awareness of the social implications of the patriarchy, told Business Insider.
"If you've got a new situation that your life is in or a new context, then that might throw issues that are already there into more clear perspective," Shallcross added.
2. How has your partner's career success affected the balance of contributions within your relationship?
Jealousy can sometimes arise when a partner's career success disrupts a relationship's balance of contributions. While financial donations are essential, it's crucial to recognise that value can also come from other areas, such as household labour, shared time, and emotional support.
Shallcross believes jealousy can sometimes arise when a partner's career success disrupts a relationship's balance of contributions. "But when people earn more money, it can often lead to an unequal division of unpaid labour," she said.
"And that can lead to lots of resentment if you aren't speaking about your emotions, which can lead to a relationship breakdown," she continued.
3. Are you and your partner willing to work together for a mutually beneficial solution?
It is important to identify the specific issues your partner's career advancement has highlighted and work collaboratively to find solutions. If your partner is unwilling to engage in open communication or compromise, it may be a sign that the relationship is no longer fulfilling for one or both parties. "You don't need to cling on to things that don't serve you," Shallcross said.
