Dear Coleen
My sex life with my husband is terrible and it’s down to how I feel. When we got together I really fancied him and we had sex a lot, and it was always good. However, a few years and two children down the line, he doesn’t turn me on at all.
Whenever we have sex, I feel like I’m just going through the motions, but I don’t think that’s the case for him. Sometimes, to make it exciting for myself, I think of someone else I fancy, which I feel guilty about.
I haven’t told him how I feel because I think it would really hurt him and in every other way he’s a really good partner – a great dad, generous, kind and funny.
He’s the sort of guy anyone would be proud to have as a partner, which only makes it more confusing.
I don’t know if it’s possible to get the spark back.
He’s still a good-looking bloke and takes care of himself, but I’ve changed.
Do you think it’s worth trying or is it a pointless exercise? I do love him and we get along as friends, but it’s just not enough for me. What do you think?
What would you tell this reader to do? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
The honest answer is, I don’t know if you can get the spark back and if you can find him sexually attractive again. But I do think it’s worth trying before you close the door on your marriage.
Having children isn’t great for anyone’s sex life – when they’re young you spend most of your time feeling frumpy and exhausted, and if you’re not careful, sex can slip way down the to-do list.
You could try reminding yourself of what it used to be like when you were first together and the things you did together – can you recreate some of that romance? Can you try to rebuild intimacy outside of the bedroom?
I think the first thing you have to do is admit to your husband you’re not happy and that the relationship needs some work. I know you don’t want to hurt him, but the only way to move forward is to be honest and try to work through it, so you can find an answer.
You don’t have to say you don’t fancy him, but you can say you feel the spark is missing from sex and you don’t feel fulfilled. At the end of the day, it might still not be enough for you, but at least you’ll know you’ve tried your best before throwing in the towel.
