My husband has a strong urge for sex. I have been sexually unavailable to him because I was pregnant back-to-back with two kids after our marriage. He used to watch pornography frequently to cope with his desires. But recently I have seen that he has started paying escorts for live video sessions.
When I asked him about it, he said “What’s the difference between paid private video session and unpaid porn videos?” He says there’s no difference as he is not having any physical relationship with escorts.
I personally feel that he has made himself available to the escorts or vice versa and that’s very different from watching porn on websites. I am not comfortable with the paid video sessions and I feel betrayed. What should I do? Let it go? Is he cheating or is he not? I am confused.
Eleanor says: The answer about what counts as infidelity is less important here than how this makes you feel. Plotting the exact edges of monogamy is a tricky piece of cartography. All kinds of things can feel like a betrayal inside a marriage, even though there’s no physical sexual relationship. Video sessions like this, meeting in secret, holding hands – which of these is cheating? What’s just inappropriate? People’s attitudes differ.
How to classify what he’s doing is less important than your emotional clarity: you feel betrayed. Shouldn’t that matter to him more than whether this meets the definition of cheating?
All kinds of things are bad partnering, whether or not they’re Objectively Wrong. Being systematically unavailable; making big decisions without consultation; just not caring very much how your partner feels – these things may not be instant violations in the obligation-flouting, “you promised A but now you’re doing B” way that infidelity is, but that doesn’t make them any more pleasant to live with.
If you say you feel betrayed and your partner responds with “What am I technically doing wrong?” it doesn’t exactly erase the feeling. That’s because being a good partner involves doing more than you’re obliged to, strictly speaking. So yes, perhaps he’s not obliged by your marriage contract not to pay for these video sessions. But nobody thinks the way we should treat our spouses is to do what we’re obliged to and nothing more. Not continuing to hurt you in this specific area seems like a straightforward way to be nicer to you.
I wonder, too, whether there might be room for some conversations about relating to his sexuality in the long term. If you each treat his libido as something that he has a right to pursue – even in ways that upset you – that might make it harder to come back to a physical relationship that you enjoy, too.
If you do envisage a return to sex with him, you’ll want to feel treasured, exciting. But it can be difficult to be aroused by someone who’s shown you they are more interested in their pleasure than in you feeling loved. You don’t want to get stuck in a cycle where his libido seems threatening to you, so sex starts to feels like a neglected necessity to him and a tolerated ordeal to you. Your body deserves more fun and celebration than that!
It might be helpful to start thinking about ways to relate to his sex drive that help you both feel safe and attractive. You could start small, with just reading and thinking about what you might eventually like your physical connection to be. If you’re financially able to, and only when your body and mind feel ready, you could eventually enlist the help of a therapist who specialises in sexual connection.
These are very difficult conversations to have. They require immense frankness about things we usually work hard to keep private. But just like the rest of marriage, a physical connection will go best when you are both working together, for each other’s sake.
This letter has been edited for length
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