My husband and I no longer have romantic feelings for each other and have agreed to separate. However, my husband is paid much less than me and can’t afford to live separately, so we have agreed to live together as a family with our seven-year-old daughter for the time being. I worry that this is confusing for her and will have a negative impact. It would be better if we could explain it to her, but my husband does not want to tell his family or friends that we are no longer together. I would like our separation to be more formalised, but my husband has severe mental health problems and I worry about the result of pushing him to be more honest with his family and friends.
I feel this is forcing me and my daughter to live a lie. I can’t move on with my life because I feel forced to pretend everything is fine. What should I do? Keep pretending, as the risk to my husband’s mental health is too great, or make a stand and push for a proper separation?
Is it possible for a separating couple to carry on living under the same roof and make it work? “Unfortunately, unless you happen to have a spare wing of a mansion where one of you lives separately, it usually only works in the short term,” advises Ammanda Major, the head of clinical practice at Relate. “The boundaries people put around themselves soon start to get ragged. Arguments break out over who is doing what in the house, dating, new partners, money. Even in amicable splits, people usually reach the point of thinking: ‘You know what? I don’t want to look at your face every day, I need to get out of here.’ Couples counselling can help. And a lot will depend on the attitude of family and friends, which really affects how people are able to manage.”
This brings us to the issue of your husband’s desire for secrecy. A superficial conclusion might be that he is in denial. However, I wonder if there could be a religious or cultural consideration involved, or another reason he might fear family disapproval? Whatever his motivation, you need to discuss it.
“Explain that maintaining secrecy could be detrimental for your child,” says Major. “The really important thing is that you talk to her and explain what is happening together. Avoid putting her in the position of being your confidante. Children need to be able to love each parent equally. Be mindful of developmental stages and the age-appropriateness of what you tell them.”
Your caring nature is evident in your concern that “living a lie” will protect your husband’s mental health, but is that accurate? Perhaps, if he let his loved ones know the truth, they could offer practical and emotional help.
Jo Kierstead, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor, says: “The best help you can give your husband is to encourage him to broaden his support systems. Be open and compassionate and avoid criticism towards his mental health issues. Be clear about your commitment for a positive future – that your support is there, but it is not infinite. Point him towards the mental health charity Mind or his GP, or suggest he utilises a non-judgmental helpline or listening service.”
How can you ensure he is supported while also addressing your own needs? “Be mindful of the toll this is taking on you and make sure you’re prioritising your mental health,” says Kierstead. “Despite how it may feel, you are not alone and your situation is not for ever, so try to give yourself the kindness, care and support you need to manage each day as it comes.”
You don’t mention who initiated the split or why, but it sounds as if you may have played the role of “rescuer”, as well as financial provider, and now imagine that your husband won’t be able to cope without you. If this is the case, I urge you to read Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano – a novel that explores love, depression and second chances. It offers a compassionate reminder that people are endlessly surprising, as is life – wisdom we can all embrace.
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