Recently, I have become very upset about past colleagues who were once friends or housemates, ghosting or ignoring me on social media.
I worked abroad with these colleagues and when I moved back to Europe with my husband, we began a family. I am a stay-at-home mum of two lovely young children and I went off the radar for a few years due to pregnancies, births, the passing away of my dad and then raising kids. I also had a miscarriage before my eldest was born and it took me a while to recover emotionally.
Since then, I have found out that old colleagues and a former housemate have unfriended me on Facebook. On top of that, my other former housemate, who I was fairly close to, has ignored my recent Facebook friend request and messages. With all of these former colleagues and housemates, there were never any disagreements, no animosity. With time, I drifted away from them in an organic way.
I do understand that people move on, or can be going through a hard time in life and don’t feel like staying in touch. I understand they do spring cleaning on their Facebook page when they haven’t seen or heard from people for a long time. But being ignored or ghosted when I haven’t technically done anything “mean” or “bad” is hurtful, and the fact that it is a handful of people who have done so hurts even more.
Instead of focusing on all the beautiful people in my life, I chose to home in on people who really don’t matter or care at all about me. And I do care a lot about what others think of me. Is that a self-esteem thing at play? I have noticed it as a pattern over the years; I often ruminate on the past rather than living in the present.
I wonder how your friends felt when you “drifted away from them in an organic way”? This isn’t to blame you, but hopefully it will make you realise that you aren’t as powerless as you feel. It’s very easy to look at things entirely from our own point of view. You feel excluded now, but maybe they felt excluded back then?
We all bring our past baggage to a situation and sometimes what hurts us is not just what’s happening in front of us, but what it reminds us of. Something in your longer letter – the way you say you find it hard to get over past romantic relationships – made me think that perhaps you expect rejection, so see it in more places than it actually exists.
I consulted UKCP-registered psychotherapist Lisa Bruton who had empathy with your situation: “We are social creatures who have evolved to be in groups and when we are ousted from one, it can really hurt. We also aren’t schooled on how to end friendships and often people feel embarrassed about having such strong feelings about them.”
We thought it was great you had tried to reconnect with your friends but maybe they have moved on now too. The point is you seem to realise this in a rational way, but then emotions take over.
Bruton wondered if what feels like a “very personalised rejection to you might just be them drifting away, too”.
You asked about self-esteem and certainly that could be an issue. Bruton hypothesised that you might veer more towards an “anxious attachment style (for example, sensitivity to rejection, rumination) and this could be something to reflect upon”.
You didn’t say much about growing up, except that this episode with your friends made you feel you were back in school. Despite this hint at unhappiness growing up, the past may feel safer to you because it’s known; you might not trust your present happiness which is why you can’t seem to concentrate on it. This might be worth exploring with a trusted friend or in therapy. Bruton also wondered if looking into the past was “a distraction” – and I wondered what you’re avoiding thinking about now?
We don’t think you should pursue friends who don’t seem to want to connect any more. Try to concentrate on the people around you who really like you and want to be with you. As Bruton says: “Nothing eases our social- or friend-related anxiety more than having positive social interactions.”
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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