I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. He’s a supportive and loving man in many ways, even helping me with my career goals. There’s a 13-year age gap and we come from different financial backgrounds – his parents are quite well off, mine are not. He was raised with a holiday home, in the wealthy, country club lifestyle; I was not.
This would not really be an issue but he speaks of wealthy people from great backgrounds and big educations in a very lofty way, fully knowing it’s not something I understand or come from. It’s creating insecurities within me partly because I have things to work out in my career path and I lack even a basic college degree.
In the past three months there have been two occasions where I’ve been openly rude to women he is being friendly with – whether in an innocent way or not I don’t know. It made me uncomfortable and I became jealous. He said after one of the two instances, “I won’t marry you,” in reference to my behaviour. We had long discussions and the breakup conversation was averted. He seemed to have changed his mind but I am still not sure if this is a wise life path for me.
I want marriage in the next two years. And he knows that would require an engagement in the next six months. I’ve been clear. Marriage and two-plus children is a non-negotiable for me. He’s 45 and has never been married. I think he’s a late bloomer and has chosen the wrong women along the way. The idea of children is not very appealing to him and never has been a priority. But he says he would do it with the right dual income between us.
I am in love with him but I’m not sure he’s who I should marry. What do you think?
It’s good that you know what you want. But let’s dial back a little.
When we are insecure we can become anxious and sometimes we think the answer to those anxieties is to state things in absolute terms, because “maybes” don’t provide that feeling of safety. I feel you’re doing this with your “non-negotiable” proposal, marriage, two children.
I went to psychoanalytic psychotherapist Dr Poul Rohleder who picked up an underlying insecurity and that you think “if you get married everything will be fine, that you’ll get everything you want”. But will it? Your checklist was about material things. What about the feelings and emotions? Dr Rohleder felt there was a lot of emphasis on your boyfriend having an abundance of stuff: money, education, the country club, and you not having so much of those.
Maybe you see him as being able to provide the things you feel you lack. But I wonder if after the engagement and the wedding and baby shower (if you can have children – there are no guarantees) your insecurities will still be there unless you tackle them.
“Because really the questions you should be asking,” suggested Dr Rohleder “are not so much what [material things] your boyfriend can give you but what is he like to be with? What is the quality of your relationship? Can you be vulnerable with each other? A solid marriage is one with an emotional connection.” These are the things that will provide some of the security you seem to need. Not the boats and holidays and lofty people, fun though they may be for a while.
“What are your hobbies and interests?” asks Dr Rohleder. “What could strengthen who you are, give you confidence, that you can grow on your own in your own life so that it doesn’t all depend on your boyfriend giving it to you?”
There was something young in your letter. Like a little girl making a list of things she wants before she hits a certain age. My sense is that you maybe had a lack of security around you growing up, which makes you grasp at seemingly dependable, tangible things. I understand that. But what about trying to find some security that’s all yours, that you can take with you throughout your life?
In the meantime talk to your boyfriend and find out who you both are as a couple, without making demands. It’s only been 10 months. If you can’t talk, walk.
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