My boyfriend (aged 39) and I (36) have been together for nine months. We live together, have met each other’s family and friends and are generally very committed to each other – but he still hasn’t told me that he loves me.
I’ve told him I love him, but nothing comes back. He also says very little about how he feels about me. He says he’s close to saying it, but needs time, and doesn’t want to be disappointed, as in his previous relationships.
He feels he’s on a probation period – that if he doesn’t say it within a specific timeframe, I will leave him. I need and want to hear that he loves me, and feel that I’ve been patient. I don’t want to keep investing in a relationship where one day he’ll decide he doesn’t love me and we should break up.
When we met, he was newly single after a five-year relationship and things moved fast. We get on well and have a lot in common, but sometimes we struggle with communication. He also has a quick temper. I often have to be the one to compromise.
I had a tough childhood: I don’t speak to my birth father any more and I have trust issues. I did a lot of therapy to help me overcome my past, which worked well, and now I live a relatively normal happy life. On the other hand, he had a happy, stable childhood with no significant problems. We are very sensitive and emotionally aware and have good stable jobs to support us.
Should I give up this expectation of hearing my boyfriend say “I love you”?
I feel for both of you: here is a situation where you’re both justified in how you feel, but as you want different things, it has become a battle of right and wrong, when it’s not that binary.
I don’t think you should give up anything that really matters to you, but neither do I think he can be forced into saying something he can’t say at the moment or doesn’t feel. But it’s you who’s written in, and you I’m concerned with. It’s destabilising being on a train whose destination you don’t know. Some people find it exciting but I, like you, need to know where I’m heading.
It sounds as if you feel that him saying “I love you” will guarantee things. Unfortunately, it won’t, and I wonder if, even if he says it, it will be enough for you. Is there something else about him that makes you feel anxious? What have you been like in previous relationships? It’s how the relationship makes you feel that matters, more than what someone says.
Silva Neves, a sexual and relationship counsellor (cosrt.org.uk) suggested you both look at what’s behind your feelings – could it be anxiety? You could both be feeling the same thing (some common ground!), but expressing it very differently.
We were both concerned about his temper. Maybe he’s the sort of person who feels anger is a “better” emotion for a man than vulnerability. “When he loses his temper,” said Neves, “what does that do to you in relation to what your childhood was like? A lot of people find partners with similar traits to their parents, as a way to fix their past. Could your efforts to get your partner to say “I love you”, have something to do with your father?”
Ultimately, if your partner doesn’t make you feel safe and loved – in word or deed – you have a right to look for those things elsewhere. But if everything else about this relationship is positive, and the “I love you” is the cherry on the cake, it may be worth waiting for him to catch up.
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
• Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, a new podcast series, is available here.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
