Bereavement, while turning our lives upside down, can turn us into different people. For author Sarah Miller, she flourished after the tragic loss of her aunt Judy.
Her book 'Permission to be F***ing Happy' is a guide for others, also struggling to make sense of the chaos in the world - with real-life help on how to transform your circumstances.
For the mum-of-two - a 'life-stylist' - which she describes as something between a personal stylist, life & health coach - and writer in Surrey - it saw her rise strong after losing everything when she left her marriage on the cusp of turning forty and embark on a new life adventure.
Now looking back, she thinks that the challenge that this provided was worth it - and is keen to share her wisdom with everyone else.
The book honours her aunt, with Sarah writing: 'This book is dedicated to my amazing, inspiring, slightly crazy auntie, Judy. Your death gave me the permission to be happy, and I am living my life to the fullest, to make up for the life that you no longer get to live.'
It is designed for people to invigorate their lives, with Sarah summing it up as: 'Whilst you are distracted with your attention on the plates up in the air precariously spinning, you forget that there is a life to be lived.
''ot just ‘coped with’ or, in cases like mine, ‘endured.’ It is there to be lived in all of its f*cking amazing glory (i.e. your dream life but with some seriously shiny bells on) because what’s the point otherwise?!
'It is my mission to prove to you that none of this is true and that we are all, in fact, worthy of happiness, and it is only by embracing this that we can embody our true selves.'
Research backs this up - with American psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun writing about 'post-traumatic growth' where events such as bereavement and divorce, while devastating at the time, can help us grow into a different, better person in the long-run.
Speaking about the matter, psychologist Dr Emma Kavanagh explains: "A whole host of studies agree that trauma can lead to growth in different areas of our lives – a greater appreciation of life, a changed sense of priorities, warmer and more intimate relationships with others, a greater sense of personal strength, recognition of new possibilities or paths in life and spiritual development.
"While it might be tempting to be almost insulted by the Pollyanna-ness of this idea, research suggests it is worthy of some serious consideration.”
Speaking to the Mirror, Sarah said her aunt Judy, a shy retiring character who didn't always seek what she wanted, inspired her to ensure she did.
'She lived a strange life - she never truly followed her heart to the full, she was always worried about things she didn't need to worry about.
'We were very similar in disposition - she was highly sensitive and easily upset but also had a brilliant sense of humour, was a fantastic sports woman and had a very close knit group of friends that she cared deeply for but she never really embraced the person that she was. She hid in her work.
'But that was always her cover story - because she was working. When she did stop working in order to be able to live more fully, she almost immediately got diagnosed with ovarian cancer and she died.'
'She told me she died of stress and I could see that and relate to it. It was so upsetting for me to watch someone work themselves into the ground for no apparent reason.'
'It was really, I think, to hide from life because she thought that people wouldn't like her if she showed up as the person that she wanted to be.'
She added: 'When I was in such a mess after my divorce and I had lost the entire infrastructure of my life and was chronically ill with two little girls to care for, what I needed was a blueprint to guide me on how to to put my life back together but in such a way that aligned with who I was so that I wasn’t constantly stressed doing stuff that I hated and making myself more ill as I didn’t have the luxury of time for that!'
'That's what I needed but it wasn't there, even after trying out therapy, life coaches etc etc - so I created a system that would resonate with each individual person and guide them to find happiness again.'
'Life is about finding a fulfilling & purposeful way of living but as a generation we're so overwhelmed with the speed of the hamster wheel that we are on that we neglect to keep our values system and boundaries in place, but then we lose our sense of self completely as we continue to undermine ourselves and that’s when illness and depression kicks in.
'It takes the alarm bells ringing to realise that you need to sort it out. For me, writing the book let me find out who I was from what I wanted for my life - my desires, how I wanted to look, how I wanted to show up.
'I realised I had two choices - I work towards my desires and enjoy the anticipation of them, knowing that they may never be realised or I give up. Giving up was no longer an option.
'Now I still have times of depression when I feel down but I have a system in place that I talk about in my book that gets me through the hard times. I have a faith in myself that was missing before.
'S**t still happens - but you learn to accept it all as part of your growth.'
Sarah Miller's book ‘Permission to be F***ing Happy' can be purchased here.
