Dear Coleen
I hope you can help me, as I’ve found myself in a really awkward situation with my 17-year-old son.
In a nutshell, he’s asked if he can have his girlfriend, who’s also 17, to stay at ours every Friday night, as they both have Saturday jobs in the same store and it would mean they could travel in together (ie, I can taxi them there!).
To be honest, I think the job thing is just an excuse for them to stay the night together, and I don’t know how I feel about it.
I’m divorced and when I discussed it with my ex, he said it’s my home and my decision, so he’s basically washing his hands of it!
I also have a 12-year-old daughter, so not sure it’s appropriate. I also don’t think I can handle them having sex (which I’m sure is the plan) under my roof every Friday night.
I know I probably sound prudish and old-fashioned making an issue out of this, but I suppose I wasn’t quite prepared for this stage in my teenager’s life.
I’ve mentioned this to the girlfriend’s mum and she was absolutely fine about it, but maybe it’s because it’s not under their roof.
Coleen says
Well, I’m kind of with the girlfriend’s mum on this but, equally, I have friends who wouldn’t allow partners sleeping over. I think our attitudes to this are probably informed by how we’ve been brought up.
For example, when I was a teenager, my parents were very strict, which is probably why I’ve been more relaxed with my kids. One thing you can be sure of, they’ll be doing it under someone’s roof!
Look, this is a golden opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with your son where you can really listen to each other.
Rather than just saying “not under my roof”, be honest. Say it makes you feel uncomfortable and use it to talk about boundaries and respect, for instance, discretion is the order of the day and you don’t want to hear any shenanigans! Keep it light-hearted.
Equally, don’t be pressured into agreeing to something you’re never going to be comfortable with. If her mum is cool with it, then they could maybe stay with her. Or, perhaps suggest you try it and see how it goes, but don’t guarantee every Friday night.
There’s a big age gap between my two boys and my youngest, Ciara. They had girlfriends staying when she was quite young, but there were never any issues and she enjoyed having older girls around the house.
I think it’s nice that your son has asked. It shows he feels comfortable addressing these things with you.
