Over the past few months, I have observed changes in my son’s behaviour. He is 15 and his father and I separated when he was nine. He keeps appearing naked in front of me “accidentally”. I feel a little uncomfortable seeing my son naked but I understand at his age it’s purely because of the hormones.
His father lives abroad but never calls or comes to visit. So I am the one teaching him hygiene. That has done nothing so far as he leaves his “stained” clothes for me to clean and his room smells off anytime I enter it. He goes three to four days without changing clothes.
We live in a three-bedroom apartment and he doesn’t cover himself after coming out of the shower, which can be visible from the living room. He keeps giving off expressions that he is embarrassed but I can see that he is doing it intentionally. I need a way to confront him about this without making him upset.
I have never dared to check his computer but more than once he tried to watch pornography on the TV in the living room. When I entered the room he would frantically try to turn it off, and we both pretended I saw nothing. I’ve been meaning to tell him that these things are better done in private but I don’t have anyone in my life other than him and I don’t want to make our relationship awkward.
He is not depressed; he regularly has friends come over and is very active in sports and school. Over the last few days I have observed him get quieter – it may have been because I told him to clean his undergarments himself. At this point I’m not entirely sure what’s going on and it’s getting extremely frustrating.
Hormones can make teens do funny things but on the whole it doesn’t make them appear naked in front of others, especially not parents. At this age they actually become far more self-conscious.
I went to consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal with your letter. He said it was great that you’d reached out. “Adolescent boys are at high risk of mental health issues. So this could be an indicator that either something internal is going on for your son (a mental health issue) or something external – ie something has happened to him and he is communicating this in his behaviour. It sounds like your son is almost crying out for something to be seen, and talked about.”
I felt your son’s behaviour was very provocative – he’s trying to get a reaction out of you. Both Dr Blumenthal and I picked up on how isolated you feel and also how scared you are to say something. But you need to. You say you’re afraid of upsetting him and making things awkward, but things are already awkward.
It’s a real shame his father isn’t involved but we can’t change that. Is there any other trusted male figure? Dr Blumenthal felt your situation “is too dyadic and needs some kind of triangulation. It’s challenging raising a boy as a single mother, especially during adolescence.” Maybe the extra person is someone you bring in to help support you if there isn’t an obvious trusted candidate to talk to your son.
Bringing up important issues needn’t lead to alienation. Would it help if we told you your son would probably benefit from an opportunity to talk and be given boundaries? There’s nothing wrong with asking for appropriate behaviour in the house. You can be honest and say, “Look, this is awkward but …” You can ask him not to walk around naked – not because there’s shame in it but because it’s not appropriate. You can ask for doors to be kept closed and for people to knock before going into each other’s bedrooms when changing. And for public screens to be used appropriately.
You can explain that his room is his to do with what he wants but you will clean his clothes if he puts them in the laundry basket. I wouldn’t personally worry about him not changing his clothes or ask him to clean his underclothes either, not without tackling the other stuff first.
All of this is a reasonable request. You should ask if anything is bothering him. And you can keep asking this periodically and tell him he can come to you with problems (if that’s true).
Bring some light – and confidence if you can – to this situation. And please get some support for yourself.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
