KANSAS CITY, Mo. — On a recent weekday morning, Tom Jackson wrapped up a clay hand print made in preschool by his youngest child, Avery, locked it in a portable safe and placed it into a large cardboard box.
The Jacksons are in the throes of sifting through the Kansas City house they have lived in for the past 15 years. They have removed their family photos and packed away essentials like pots and pans.
“The kids are like, ‘Wow, it’s starting to feel weird.’ It’s not our home anymore because all the personal things are gone,” said his wife, Debi Jackson.
But they have yet to take down a Pride Progress Flag, which still waves above their front door. The flag features rainbow colors along with stripes representing marginalized groups and the trans community.
“Every bit of resistance counts,” she said.
The family of four is leaving Missouri by the end of the summer for an undisclosed location, one that is more welcoming to transgender people. The family did not want to say where they are moving out of concerns for their safety.
Avery was 4 when they knew they were not a boy. From a very young age, Avery created avatars that were girl characters “to live out the life that you don’t feel safe living out in person,” their mother said. At 9, Avery became the first known transgender person to appear on the cover of National Geographic. Now 16, Avery, who uses they/them pronouns, identifies as transgender and nonbinary. They just want to be a normal teenager who hangs out with their friends and plays video games.
But legislation limiting the rights of transgender people in Missouri is driving them and others away from their home state. Last month, Gov. Mike Parson signed a sweeping ban prohibiting transgender youth under 18 from accessing gender-affirming care, including hormone therapy. The law allows minors to continue hormone therapy or puberty blockers if they were already prescribed them before the law takes effect on Aug. 28.
Parson also signed a law banning public and private schools, including colleges, from allowing students to compete in sports that don’t match the gender on their birth certificate.
Debi Jackson said some state legislators want them to leave Missouri. The family resisted that idea for a long time. But after this year’s legislative session, the Jacksons decided it was time.
Tom Jackson shuttered the chiropractor business he established 19 years ago. He has spent his entire life in Missouri. He plans on teaching and is weighing opening a new chiropractor office, which would require him to get re-licensed.
“It’s hard to close something that you started from scratch, I won’t lie,” he said.
Meanwhile, the kids are spending one last summer with their friends.
The family’s move is filled with hope — and sadness.
“We’re really just trying to emphasize that this is a part of growing up and that all teenagers do this, whether you go off to college or if you go off to start your first job where you’re making new friends,” Debi Jackson said. “That it’s just part of growing up and we’ll get through it together. I think a big core theme for us over the years has always been that we’ll all be OK as long as our family unit stays strong.”
‘The community that we need’
During June, which was Pride month, the family scouted potential places to start a new chapter. They considered seven blue states and visited two cities.
In one location, people in the queer community were holding hands and not afraid to be visible. Signs throughout the city expressed support for the LGBTQ community. And there just happened to be a Pride celebration during their visit. The event didn’t require a security fence. People were cheering and hugging and there was an overwhelming feeling of allyship, Debi Jackson said.
“This is the community that we need,” she said.
As the move becomes more real, they’re deciding what to take, sell, donate or throw away. Magnets commemorating places they’ve been? Keep. A pair of old shoes (“Does this one have a match? Yes.”)? Donate. Pictures of Debi Jackson as a child with her parents and brothers? Pitch.
Their views caused a rift and she is no longer in contact with that part of her family. As she was going through the attic, she found old scrapbooks from her childhood.
“I don’t need these now,” she thought. It was painful. But also cathartic.
Tom Jackson’s parents and sister have always been supportive. Leaving them and other friends will be difficult.
Raegan Buatte’s two oldest boys have been friends with the Jackson kids for over a decade.
“You have families that you know you can trust your kids to, if something happens to you, that‘s the kind of relationship we have with the Jacksons,” Buatte said. “It is heartbreaking that we can’t have that five minutes down the road anymore.”
Last Wednesday, Tom Jackson labeled a box with a Sharpie as the family’s two dogs, pugs Peter and Mia, looked on (the Jacksons also have two huskies, Apollo and Loki. All four will be making the move although the dogs aren’t too sure about the crates they will have to travel in).
Debi Jackson describes her son, who is 17, as “an 80-year-old man in a teenager’s body.” He holds onto to trinkets associated with special memories and enjoys antique shops. He also has a passion for motorcycles. He has started packing so he knows his belongings are safe.
Avery, on the other hand, is struggling with packing.
“Their room right now is their safe space, that has all of the things around them that make them feel comfortable when the rest of this is in chaos, they need that comfort,” Debi Jackson said.
She said Avery is “over the top, outgoing.” But they also have a serious side.
“Avery’s very — like a lot of trans kids, I think, end up being — very philosophical and thinks deeply about a lot of things, because they have to figure out who you are and why the world doesn’t like who you are,” Debi Jackson said.
The two teens are home schooled and Debi Jackson does contract work in advocacy. She hopes there is a “movable middle” and tries to ignore the hateful comments hurled at her family. At times, Tom Jackson goes down a Twitter rabbit-hole and returns angry at what is being posted, including death threats.
Imagine the worst thing that can be said. “It’s 10 times worse,” he said.
Some have accused them of being bad parents to which Debi Jackson says, “We are loving them. We’re just trying to give them an opportunity to grow up.”
She wishes relocating “was something of their choice and not something that we feel like we have to do.” But moving is for Avery’s peace of mind. They hope Avery won’t have to worry about what their birth certificate says or where they can go to the bathroom or if their health care they need is going to be yanked away.
‘Come back home’
Debi Jackson said Avery’s friends “get it.” Their teachers are supportive. It’s the government that thinks there’s a problem, she said.
“They don’t see our kids as people,” she said of lawmakers who have pushed for anti-LGBTQ legislation.
Earlier this year, Avery chose not to testify before Missouri lawmakers as they considered the ban on gender-affirming care for minors. Their decision was influenced by an interaction last year when they were questioned by a lawmaker about their body parts. It left Avery shaking and crying.
But Tom and Debi Jackson did testify.
“I can only tell you that parenting my transgender child has been the greatest honor of my lifetime,” Tom Jackson said. “If this bill passes, we will leave the state. I grew up in this state. I‘ve lived here for 47 years. I went to high school in Blue Springs. I did my bachelor’s, my master’s and my doctorate in this state. And my family has owned land here for 80 years, and now you’re asking me to leave my home to protect my child and I cannot tell you how much that saddens me.”
State Sen. Mike Moon, an Ash Grove Republican, who sponsored the ban on gender-affirming care for minors, said this year’s legislation wasn’t intended to make people leave the state.
“Absolutely not. The goal was to prevent any type of abuse for children,” Moon said. ”We had heard from those who had gone through transitions in other states, saying that it was extremely harmful to them, and that the long-term impact was not good.”
A spokesperson for Parson did not respond to a request for comment. But when asked by The Star in June what he would say to families leaving the state, the Republican governor said “that’s a decision they’re going to have to make.”
“Things happen all the time in government. There are different issues out there all the time that are passed into law that some people will like, some people won’t like,” he said at the time. “You know, I’d hate to think anybody leaves the state for that, but if they do that’s perfectly right to do that.”
Parson continued, saying that “this is not about going after transgender people.”
State Sen. Greg Razer, a Kansas City Democrat and Missouri’s only openly gay state senator, said families of transgender Missourians have to do what’s right for their family.
“I don’t judge anybody for leaving. I hope people don’t,” Razer said. “But I would want them to know that we’re going to stay here and we’re going to keep fighting. We’re going to make this a better state. Hopefully one day they can come back home.”
Razer said that, over the next 10 years, Missourians will begin to understand and accept the transgender community. He said he anticipates one more round of anti-transgender legislation next year from Republicans. Then, he said, he expects Republicans to move to “another culture war.”
As the Jacksons follow through on what they told legislators, a chalkboard in their kitchen displaying the number of days until the move ticks down. Standing amid boxes, bins and bubble wrap, Debi Jackson said their fight isn’t just about LGBTQ rights.
“They’re going to keep expanding that list unless everybody comes together and fights back,” she said. “And that’s what I need people to take away is, this doesn’t just impact families with trans kids and the trans community. This isn’t just about LGBTQ rights. This isn’t just about the rights of anyone with a uterus. When you connect bodily autonomy, like it impacts every single person. And that’s why we need people to recognize just how horrible it is and push back.”
