We call vacuuming, cleaning, and cooking “chores” because they are work, and nobody actually wants to do them. We do them because we have to. And that burden usually falls on the shoulders of women in the family. The Pew Research Center published a report in April of 2023 that revealed even wives who are primary earners spend more time on childcare and housework.
One Redditor wanted to hear the opinions of other women on the topic. She recently asked on r/TwoXChromosomes to provide examples of how their partners weaponize incompetence and what excuses they usually use. And the women of Reddit did not disappoint.
The curious Redditor u/Business-Wrangler-61 was kind enough to have a short chat with Bored Panda. You can read our conversation with her below!
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"The post was a spur-of-the-moment thing, prompted by someone accusing me [of] keeping the forks in an illogical place so they couldn't empty the dishwasher," u/Business-Wrangler-61 told Bored Panda. "They are in the drawer with all the other cutlery where he has found a fork when he needs one many times," the Redditor clarified.
She believes that situations like this are common when people live together. And, in her opinion, it’s not only men that can weaponize incompetence. "I think that a lot of people, often, but not exclusively women, struggle with inept or unwilling partners."
"It is infuriating but also ridiculous, and I wanted to hear the daft excuses other women have heard. It can't just be me. And sure enough, lots of people knew exactly what I was talking about. I enjoyed the sisterhood in mocking these 'incompedances.'"
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The Redditor admits that she's not a stranger to hearing all kinds of excuses from men. "I coped with those behaviors all my life, but the only solution I found is leaving. They don't want to change, and after a while, the pretending not to see the mess or what the children need becomes an insidious form of abuse."
u/Business-Wrangler-61 also agrees that we as a society (both men and women) are becoming more and more educated about the division of housework and what the mental load is.
"We are absolutely becoming more educated, but recent development worries me. I think men always knew how but didn't want to, and increasingly now, especially in the US, people advocate more traditional gender dynamics. I don't like it one bit," the Redditor adds.
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Although 'the mental load' has become a trendy buzzword on the Internet, it's still useful to know what the exact definition is. "The mental load is the decision-making, planning, and organizing that goes into keeping our lives together," life coach and educator Laura Danger told Bored Panda in an earlier interview.
"For example, if you're planning a meal for your family, you have to consider your family's food preferences, allergies, schedules, dietary restrictions and needs, and so much more. The mental load is making sure all of the boxes are checked off and also that each task interacts just the right way with all of the other tasks. Our lives are like big machines, and it takes mental labor to fit all of the gears together," Danger explained.
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The statistics show that women tend to take on more of the mental load than men in families. "Even the most progressive partnerships slip into this dynamic," Danger told Bored Panda back then. "The social messaging that men should define themselves through work and women should define themselves through care and domestic labor is loud!"
"Domestic labor is feminized labor. Housework is seen as women's work, so women are taught to do it, encouraged to do it well, and are judged on it. Even if you're not explicitly taught that your job is to do housework, the messaging is loud and clear in media and in so many other aspects of our culture that women are innately better at housework. It's simply not true. Domestic work is skilled work. Gender has nothing to do with how well someone does it. It's learned."
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Alas, there are ways that partners can try to resolve this issue. Danger told us that communication is key in situations like this. "Assume positive intent. You're in a partnership because you love one another and want to show up for one another. Imbalanced partnerships fall into a trap of one person carrying more of the mental load than the other, and you end up with one person over-burdened and the other left out."
So what can couples do? "You can start with the positives," Laura suggested. "If you two start taking the household and mental load seriously, you're both going to feel more empowered to make decisions that align with your needs. You're both going to feel more heard. You're both going to feel valued and connected."
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"If you're dealing with imbalance, you're likely in what I call the 'Nag Paradox,' where one person giving directions or soliciting support ends up feeling like criticism to the other. Then that person acts defensively, and you ping-pong yourselves into resentment." Danger said that partners who want to work through this argument should make clear agreements on who does what.
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